Gotham City Sirens
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: The title is a literal one ;-) Joker tells his daughter the story of "The Little Mermaid," Joker-style, of course. The story stars Little Mermaid Harley and her love, the Clown Prince, for whom she gives up her life under the sea with her fellow Gotham City Sirens, much to their dismay.
1. Chapter 1

**Gotham City Sirens**

" _I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know something's starting right now. Watch and you'll see, someday I'll be, part of your world!_ " sang Arleen Joker, racing to the edge of the slide and posing.

"That's a very pretty song, Arleen," said Annabel Crane, Jonathan Crane's middle daughter, as she looked up from the book she was reading. "Did you make it up yourself?"

"No, it's from _The Little Mermaid_ ," said Arleen, gazing at her curiously. "Haven't you seen it? You've got to have seen it!"

"Daddy doesn't approve of us watching films," commented Annabel's older sister, Katrina, who didn't look up from her book. "Especially not cartoons."

"But we've read the story, of course," said Annabel. "Very sad. I do enjoy a depressing tale though – for some reason, sad stories cheer me up like nothing else. And I suppose she was part of his world for a very brief instance, until he threw her over for the other woman and she ended up committing suicide rather than murder him."

Arleen stared at her. "What…what are you talking about?" she asked. "Ariel loses her voice for a bit, but she gets it back, and marries the prince, and lives happily ever after."

"Not in the real story," retorted Katrina. "In the real story he finds someone else, and she has the opportunity to save her own life if she murders him, but she chooses not to, and so she turns to sea foam."

"What does that mean?" asked Arleen.

"It means she dies," retorted Katrina. "I suppose it's a good moral about not sacrificing everything for someone you've never met, but it's certainly not the happiest of tales."

Arleen continued to stare at her. And then tears gathered in her big blue eyes, and a moment later, she began wailing at the top of her lungs, sobbing her heart out.

"Oh my God, what's going on?" demanded Harley Quinn, rushing over to the playground from the bench she had been sitting on to watch the children. "What happened? Did you hurt yourself, Leenie? I thought you were all playing nicely!"

"We were reading," said Annabel. "Arleen was playing _The Little Mermaid_ , but then Katrina told her the real story, and now she's upset for some reason."

"It's so sad, Mommy!" sobbed Arleen, burying her face in her mother's clothes. "No prince, no happily ever after…no life at all!"

"Crying about the story doesn't change it, you know," snapped Katrina. "It just annoys people."

"Aw, c'mon, Leenie," said Harley, hugging her daughter gently. "I know you got your Mommy's high emotions and over-sensitivity, but it's just a story, sweetie."

"A horrible, unhappy story!" sobbed Arleen. "I think it's the saddest story I ever heard! She…she gives up everything for the prince and he…he finds someone else!"

Harley felt tears come to her own eyes. "Yeah, that…that is a sad story," she agreed, sniffing. "I can't imagine what it would have been like if I had given up everything for Mr. J, and he…he found another girl!"

She burst into tears, joining her daughter in uncontrollable sobbing. The Crane girls shared looks, unsure what to do, until Katrina reached for the phone in her pocket she was only meant to use in emergencies. She definitely thought this counted as one.

"What the hell happened?" demanded the Joker, as Harley and Arleen burst into their home, still sobbing, followed by Katrina, Annabel, and their parents. "I thought the girls had gone to the park!"

"They had," agreed Emilia Crane, nodding. "But apparently one of my girls told Arleen the real story of _The Little Mermaid_ , which upset her very much. I'm not sure why Harley's crying…"

"Because I was thinking about what if I had been the mermaid, and given up my life under the sea to be with my puddin', only he turned out to be a horrible monster who didn't really love me!" sobbed Harley, throwing herself into Joker's arms. Arleen wrapped herself around his waist, hugging him tightly while still sobbing.

"Well, one half of that story might be true," muttered Jonathan Crane under his breath.

His wife elbowed him sharply, hissing, "Jonathan! Anyway, the girls are very sorry they upset Arleen and Harley, aren't you, girls?" she continued, turning to her daughters.

They both nodded, although Annabel looked considerably more contrite than Katrina did, who just looked at Arleen and Harley with an expression which questioned their sanity.

"Well, they damn well should be!" snapped Joker. "And you should be sorry too! What kinda horrible parents tell their kids depressing stories like that?"

"When I was a girl, I always preferred the real versions of fairy tales to the Disney ones," replied Emilia. "I don't know why – something about the unflinching darkness and brutal truth of them really spoke to me."

"You deserve the fear nerd, you know that?" snapped Joker.

"Yes, I do," agreed Emilia, kissing her husband. "I'm not sure why that's an insult."

"I trust the boys haven't been having the same emotional turmoil here?" asked Crane.

"Nah, they're playing video games, and you don't tend to get emotionally scarred by video games," said Joker. "If anything, they desensitize you to the violence with all the shooting randomers and whatnot."

"I was emotionally scarred by _Arkham City_ ," sobbed Harley. "And _Arkham Knight._ First you died, and then you were locked away forever, puddin'…"

"I told you, pumpkin pie, that wasn't the real me," said Joker, patting her on the head. "It was just a game. Though that Hamill guy who voices me does sound exactly like me, which adds to the realism…"

"Daddy, I'm still upset by the horrible mermaid story!" sobbed Arleen, clinging to her father's leg.

"Aw, ok, princess," said Joker, kneeling down and picking her up. "What can Daddy do to make it better?" he asked, wiping away her tears.

Arleen sniffed. "Maybe…maybe tell a mermaid story of your own? Maybe involving you and Mommy? With a happy ending and all?"

"Oh yes, please, puddin'!" begged Harley. "I've always wanted to be a mermaid! That's why I chose the name for the club me and Red and Selina were in – the Gotham City Sirens! Sirens are like mermaids, you know."

"Why would you wanna be a mermaid?" demanded Joker. "You hate fish! You have an irrational phobia about fish – why would you want to be half fish, and have to swim around associating with fish?"

"It's a fantasy – it don't have to make sense!" snapped Harley. "You of all people should know that!"

"What fantasies do I have that don't make sense?" demanded Joker.

"The ones about you and Batman!" she snapped.

"Those make sense!" he retorted. "They're just unlikely to happen!"

"You have…fantasies about Batman?" asked Crane, slowly.

"Yes, I have a personal dream that one day we'll be partners driving around in a van solving mysteries together," snapped Joker. "He'll be the boring, straightlaced one, and I'll be the funny, comedic one. It'll be like a buddy cop show, except we'll kill people more often than not, and our ratings will be through the roof. Is that so weird?"

"Um…no?" said Crane, glancing at his wife, who shrugged.

"To be fair, it's not as weird as what you were probably thinking," she replied.

"Anyway, I guess you can be my very own little mermaid, pooh," said Joker, turning to Harley.

She beamed, and then her smile fell suddenly. "Not the fish head again," she muttered. "I was sick of that gag the first time…"

Joker shoved a giant fish head onto her, laughing hysterically. "Too late – it's hysterically funny and bears repeating!" he chuckled. "Now keep that on while I tell the story," he said, ignoring the glare she was giving him. "And gather round everyone. J.J., Irving!" he called to his and Crane's son, who were playing video games in the living room. "You wanna hear a mermaid story?"

"I think we'd rather keep killing these civilians, Dad!" called back J.J.

"Like father, like son," sighed Joker. "Anyway, this story will probably be too mushy for them anyway. I don't think we're gonna have a singing, Jamaican crab, or the Buddy Hackett seagull for comic relief, but don't worry. I still think there'll be laughs aplenty from the Clown Prince, the object of Little Mermaid Harley's affection, and who can blame her for adoring him from just one look since he's stunningly handsome and incredibly funny?"

"Is there any way we can leave before he starts?" Crane asked his wife.

"Once upon a time…" began Joker, sitting down on the sofa with Harley in the fish head on one side and Arleen in his lap, while Katrina and Annabel sat on the floor in front of him.

"Too late," sighed Emilia, taking a seat on the sofa. Her husband reluctantly joined her and listened to the Joker's take on the Gotham City Sirens.


	2. Chapter 2

Once upon a time, before it was overrun with costumed lunatics, Gotham City was an important trading hub on the East Coast of North America. And before the invention of airplanes, much of this trading was done by sea. Ships would pass in and out of the harbor, carrying goods and crews of men to whatever far-flung destinations they needed to go to.

But sometimes, they never reached their destinations. And sometimes a ship returning to the port would mysteriously crash on the rocks surrounding it, leaving no survivors. Some sailors blamed bad weather, but the wise ones knew it wasn't that.

The wise ones had heard the sirens' songs, and learned to steer clear of them. The instant a hint of sweet music was heard over the Gotham Bay, those wise men would plug their ears, for they knew the doom which awaited them if they gave in to the temptation, if they followed the sweet song to the rocks where the sirens lay, singing and beckoning sailors to their death. They were known as the Gotham City Sirens.

But there were some who thought themselves wise, who didn't believe in such creatures. People like Captain Edward Nygma, who was leading his ship crewed by one hundred men into the Gotham Bay one dark and stormy night. When his men first heard the enthralling, enchanting notes rising up from the waves like a chorus of angels, many of them advised Nygma to turn back or cover his ears.

"Don't be ridiculous," Nygma had snapped. "That so-called music is just an effect of the storm."

"Uh…how can a storm make music, captain?" asked one of his crew.

"Through science, you foolish simpleton!" snapped Nygma. "The electricity from the lightning distorts the sound of the thunder to make it sound like singing!"

"I'm pretty sure that's not how science works," retorted another crewman.

"Don't argue with your captain and intellectual superior, fool!" snapped Nygma. "Just stay on course for the harbor!"

The crew obeyed reluctantly. As they got closer and closer to the harbor, the singing increased in volume and allure, until even the supposedly super rational Edward Nygma fell under it.

"Steer toward those rocks," he murmured, pointing at them. "I want to see who's singing."

"But sir, you said it was just the storm…" began a crew member.

"I said don't argue!" snapped Nygma. "Steer toward those rocks!"

The men obeyed, just as hypnotized as their captain. When they neared the rocks, they saw two beautiful women lying on them. At least, they were women from the waist up, but from the waist down, they had fish tails. One was a gorgeous redhead with piercing green eyes and long strands of seaweed in her hair, and hanging from her green tail like a skirt. The other was dark-haired and also green-eyed, with a black tail that had strands hanging off it like whiskers. They were both incredibly attractive, and their smiles were as irresistible as their voices as the sailors steered closer to them…

And then the ship crashed hard against the rocks, their sharp edges splitting open the hull in seconds. The water rushed into the vessel, and the spell was broken as the men abandoned ship by jumping into the water. Some were dashed against the rocks by the rough waves, but a few thought they were going to be lucky enough to make it to shore. Captain Nygma was one of these…

And then he was seized by the leg by something underwater. He turned to see that it was one of the mermaids, the dark-haired one, who was now tugging him deeper into the water. He tried to swim against her, but she was too strong, and was suddenly joined by the redhead, who seized him around the waist, her seaweed wrapping around his throat as she pulled him down deeper under the crushing waves. She only let go when he was dead, a cruel smile on her beautiful lips. When she and the dark-haired one had seen to it that there were no survivors from the shipwreck, they dove back under the water and disappeared into the deep.

"Good haul tonight, Ivy," commented the dark-haired mermaid, as she swam next to the redheaded one.

"Yes," sighed the redhead known as Poison Ivy, dreamily. "I do love dragging them down to their deaths. Watching the life fade from their panicked eyes as they slowly drown is a real treat, Selina."

"I can't wait for Harley to join us," said the dark-haired one, Selina, who was also known as the Catfishwoman. "She'll be old enough tomorrow, won't she?"

"Yes," agreed Ivy. "It's her eighteenth birthday tomorrow, and the day she gets to swim up to the surface for the first time. Hopefully her catch will be as successful as ours."

Now I'll need to explain a few things about mermaid culture to you all. First of all, there are no male mermaids – without being too graphic, mermaids don't reproduce the normal way. Mermaids are practitioners of magic, not just with their ability to ensnare with their voices, but also in many aspects of their lives. Mermaids have to train for years to be able to effectively practice magic, but once they've mastered the art, they have the power to bewitch men with their songs, and to reproduce by enchanting their eggs which they can lay regularly whenever they choose. Mermaids study magic from the day they are hatched until their eighteenth birthday, at which point they are free to swim up to the surface for the first time and try their hand at luring sailors to their doom. And most mermaids are well aware of their role and eager to get started. But this particular little mermaid, a beautiful blonde-haired, blue-eyed mermaid with a red tail with a black diamond pattern on it, called Harley Quinn, was special.

Harley was hatched from one of Ivy's eggs eighteen years ago, and she was the apple of her magical mother's eye. Growing up, Ivy had taken great pains to shield Harley from all the evils of the world, for Harley had been so sweet and innocent from the day she was born that Ivy just didn't have the heart to ruin that. As such, Ivy had never truly told her what she was training her in magic and singing for, just that all would be revealed on her eighteenth birthday. Harley had been understandably bursting with anticipation for that day, when she would get to look upon the surface world for the first time. Her imagination had been running wild, and she had heard so many stories and tales from the other mermaids about the world above, mostly cautionary tales about how dangerous humans were. And finally it was almost time for her to see it for herself.

Harley had been watching for Ivy and Selina's return from the window of the palace – mermaids lived in an obviously matriarchal society, but it honestly wasn't that different to the constructions of patriarchal societies at the time, specifically a feudal society. Poison Ivy was the queen of the mermaids, and her daughter Harley was therefore the princess. Not that she acted much like a princess – she didn't pay much attention to her lessons most of the time, preferring instead to explore the world under the sea, finding hidden caves and taking treasures from sunken ships, which she collected in a secret grotto. Through these more than anything, she learned about the world above, of the lives and loves of those strange creatures who walked up on land out in the sun. Sometimes when she was alone in her grotto, she would pretend she had legs, and dance with imaginary partners, but she was sure that her imagination would be the only way she would ever experience dancing, or having legs. She was going to be proved wrong.

Harley swam out to meet Ivy and Selina the moment she saw them in the distance. "I'm so glad you're back!" she cried, hugging them both tightly. "Did you have a good time up on the surface? Did you see any humans?"

"Yes, we did, Harley," said Ivy, stroking her hair affectionately. "Quite a few, in fact."

"What were they like?" asked Harley.

"Oh, you know, they all look the same," replied Ivy, shrugging. "Vile, ugly, brutish, nothing like the feminine beauty of our kind. I think you'll be very disappointed when you see them in the flesh tomorrow."

"And I'll really be allowed to swim all the way up to the surface all on my own?" pressed Harley. "And spend an entire day there without any supervision?"

"Yes, my love," sighed Ivy. "Just be sure to remember what I told you about keeping your distance from them when they're on land. On land, they have all the power. If they're in the water, however…that's another story."

"You mean I might get to swim with humans?" asked Harley, excitedly. "Can they even swim without tails? Probably not very fast, but how much fun would it be if I met a human friend and got to take them back to the palace for a visit…"

"That's quite impossible, Harley," said Ivy, sternly. "First of all, humans can't stay underwater for very long – they need to breathe air on the surface, and die without it underwater. And second of all, as I've told you for years, humans are barbarians. If they saw us, they would try to catch us and kill us, because that's what they do to fish. They have huge nets and hooks, and they impale innocent sea creatures on them. Don't think they wouldn't treat you in the same way."

"But why would they want to hurt us, Mother?" asked Harley. "We don't want to hurt them, do we?"

Ivy said nothing. "Come along, darling," she said, leading her back to the palace with Selina following. "Let's have dinner, and then get you to bed early. You have a big day ahead of you tomorrow."


	3. Chapter 3

The next day, Harley woke up at the crack of dawn. Not that she could see that it was the crack of dawn underwater, but mermaids tell time based on the rise and fall of the tide, and in this particular instance, the tide indicated that it was the crack of dawn. She instantly swam out of her coral bed and through the palace, heading straight for the door.

"Hold on there, young lady," said a stern voice, as her arm was seized by Poison Ivy. "Before you head out there, we need to have a talk."

"Can't we talk afterward?" begged Harley. "I really wanna see the sun rise!"

Ivy sighed. "Fine," she said. "But stay well away from any humans until Selina and I join you tonight. And then we'll talk."

"Thank you, Mother!" exclaimed Harley, hugging her tightly. "I promise I will! See you tonight!" she cried, dashing off into the ocean.

"Meet us on the rocks by the bay!" called Ivy after her. "We'll have a surprise to show you!"

Harley half wondered what the surprise was, but she was too excited to focus on anything but her impending experience of the surface world. As she swam hurriedly up and up, the water turned lighter and lighter, until she broke the surface of the sea to see beams of gold shining all around her. She felt the sun on her flesh for the first time, and warmth seeping through her entire body. It was unlike anything she had ever experienced before, and better than she could ever have imagined. She giggled, splashing around in the burnished water, flicking her tail and watching the droplets catch the sunlight and form little beams of rainbows. She thought she had never seen anything so beautiful in her life. It wasn't the only time she was going to be thinking that today.

Eventually, she swam to the shore, making sure to keep herself concealed in the water as much as possible. She saw the huge buildings the humans had created along the shore, and then she saw them walking along the water's edge – running, laughing, playing, splashing. She saw the sweet, innocent faces of children chasing the tide in and out, of men and women going about their daily business, and she longed more than ever to experience their lives.

She barely noticed the passage of time, engrossed as she was in observing the humans, but as the sun began to set, she suddenly saw a huge object in the distance getting closer and closer to the port. Curious, she dove into the water and swam over to it. It was a ship – she had never seen one of these up close either. She swam alongside it, and managed to grab one of the ropes hanging over the side, hoisting herself up so she could see the deck without being seen herself.

The ship contained only men, dressed in similar clothing. All except one, a man dressed in purple, who stood with his back to her along the opposite railing, staring out to sea. He was humming something, and suddenly started singing, in the most beautiful voice Harley had ever heard, " _They're finny and funny and oh, so delish! They're joyful and jolly Joker fish!_ "

"We're almost at Gotham, sir," said one of the sailors, saluting him.

"We're almost at Gotham, your highness," corrected the man, turning around to face him. And Harley gasped at the most beautiful face she'd ever seen. The man was tall, and irresistibly handsome, from his porcelain skin to his bright green hair and eyes, and grinning red lips framing a huge white smile. He held a fish who looked identical to him, which flopped in his hands.

"Uh…we're almost at Gotham, your highness," repeated the sailor. "Do we really…have to call you that? I mean, you're not even a real prince…"

"Of course I'm a real prince!" snapped the man. "I'm the Clown Prince of Crime, and therefore the reigning monarch of Gotham City! I don't see anyone else vying for that title!"

"Uh…yes, sir," agreed the sailor. "Your highness," he corrected, before the man could.

"Oh, it's always nice to return to my sweet little ha-ha-hacienda!" sighed the man in the purple suit, turning his attention back to the harbor. "And by ha-ha-hacienda, I mean kingdom. I bet Gotham's really missed its Clown Prince while I've been away, and now that I'm back, I'm ready to give this town the kind of criminal it deserves! The kind who invents genius plans, like Joker fish," he said, gesturing at the fish he held.

"Uh…what's genius about it?" asked the sailor.

The man frowned. "Well, if you don't get it, you don't get it," he sighed. "Maybe it's a caper a little ahead of its time anyway. Besides, this little guy's just a minnow – not suitable at all for my plan," he sighed, dropping the fish gently over the side. "There you go, little guy. Swim away and be free. Oh, and dump the rest of 'em overboard too," he said, gesturing to a net of caught fish flopping around on deck. "We'll do this scheme another time."

"Dump 'em overboard?" repeated the sailor, incredulous. "Why wouldn't we eat 'em…"

"You don't eat Joker fish!" snapped the man in purple, rounding on him furiously. "They share my unique face! You don't get to eat my face! Nobody gets to eat my face, understand?!"

"Uh…yes, sir," stammered the sailor.

"Yes, your highness!" snapped the man in purple. "Now dump the fish! And hurry, before they suffocate! I'm many things, but wasteful I am not," he said, heading for the cabin. "And maybe if they go back out into the ocean, they can procreate and make Joker fish babies! And what could be cuter than that?"

Harley watched in astonishment as the sailors obeyed, dumping the fish back into the ocean. She saw them swim away unharmed, and then turned her attention back to the ship. The man in purple had disappeared into his cabin, but she stared dreamily at the door, feeling a hundred new and wonderful feelings bubbling to the surface. The man was not only incredibly handsome, he was incredibly kind, returning the fish to the water rather than catching and eating them. Maybe her mother was wrong about some humans. Maybe some were different, and special. Harley knew in her heart that this Clown Prince was…

"Harley!" snapped a furious voice, and Harley turned to see Ivy and Selina glaring at her from the water below. "Get down here at once!" snapped Ivy. "It's hugely dangerous to be around ships! You could be caught in a net or crushed!"

"Sorry," whispered Harley, leaping off the ship and joining them in the water. "I was just curious. I've never seen a ship or humans that close before."

"Have you had a good birthday?" asked Selina.

"Oh yes," sighed Harley. "I've had the most wonderful day! The humans are so fascinating to watch, and Mother, you'll never guess what one of them did…"

"I'll hear all about it later, dear," interrupted Ivy, gently. "Come on over to the rocks with us. We have something to show you."

Harley obeyed, swimming with them over to the sharp outcropping near the port. "What is it?" she asked, climbing up onto the rocks next to them.

"You see that ship you were watching?" asked Ivy, pointing to the Clown Prince's ship.

"Yes," said Harley, nodding.

"Well, let me show you what all your years of voice and magic training are for," said Ivy. "Selina, you may begin."

Selina opened her mouth, and the most beautiful notes began to flow from her, enchanting the air around them, and the ears of everyone on the ship. Harley watched as the sailors steering the ship became hypnotized, and began turning it toward the rocks.

"What are you doing?" whispered Harley, confused and concerned. "The ship is going to crash if it steers near us."

"That's the idea," agreed Ivy. "You see, Harley, that's what we sirens do. We use our voices to lure sailors to their doom. We crash their ships, and if that doesn't kill them, we pull them under the waves to drown them."

Harley stared at her in shock and horror. "But…but why?" she gasped.

"Why?" repeated Ivy. "Because they're evil barbarians. Trust me, you don't know men, but I do, and men deserve to be drowned, every last one of them."

"That's not true!" cried Harley. "And this isn't right! Selina, stop singing, please!" she begged. "You can't crash that ship!"

"Don't be such a fraidy fish, Harley," retorted Selina. "It's fun."

"Selina's right – it is fun," agreed Ivy. "Just wait until they're in the water and you can drown them, my darling. I promise you'll enjoy that…"

"No!" cried Harley. "No, I won't! It's evil and it's wrong and nobody on that ship has done anything worthy of death! Stop it right now, before it's too late! Please!"

"It's already too late, Harley," retorted Selina, as the ship suddenly dashed into the rocks, which split it open.

"What the hell are you idiots doing…" began the Clown Prince, who had come out of his cabin suddenly to see chaos on deck. Harley gasped in horror as the ship lurched, sending him hurtling forward and knocking his skull against the railing, which knocked him unconscious. The ship lurched again, sending him over the side.

"No!" she cried, leaping off the rocks and into the water suddenly.

"Harley, come back!" shouted Ivy, diving after her. Harley ignored her, swimming furiously and scanning the water desperately for the Clown Prince. She spotted him at last, sinking slowly down into the deep, and raced after him. She seized him around the waist, pulling him up toward the surface, when her tail was suddenly grabbed by Ivy.

"Harley, what do you think you're doing?" she demanded. "You're supposed to pull them under, not pull them up!"

"I'm not letting him drown!" shouted Harley, kicking against her.

"Harley, he's just a man!" shouted Ivy. "And drowning men is what we do!"

"It's not what I do!" shouted Harley. "It's horrible, and wrong, and if you can't see that, then you're the barbarian, not him!"

"Harley…" began Ivy, deeply hurt, but Harley kicked at her again and she let go. Harley instantly swam off toward the surface, holding the Clown Prince tightly. She broke the surface of the water and towed him to shore. She lay him on the sand, and began searching desperately for signs of life. She pressed his chest, and opened his mouth, and then brought her mouth to his, trying to breathe life back into him.

She drew away with tears in her eyes when he didn't respond. But then one more idea struck her, and she suddenly raised her hand and slapped him hard across the face.

"Woah!" he exclaimed, jolting awake. "My aching skull! What the hell happened…"

He stopped talking abruptly when he saw Harley, who stared back at him, open-mouthed, a mixture of relieved that he was alive, and panicked that he, a human, had seen her. The latter emotion overrode everything, and she suddenly dove into the water without a word, disappearing down into the safety of the deep.

The Clown Prince picked himself up slowly, walking to the edge of the beach and peering down into the waves. Then he shook his head, and rubbed the bump on his skull. "Some hallucination. Must have hit my head harder than I thought," he muttered, turning away from the sea.


	4. Chapter 4

"Wow, those are some mean mermaids," commented Arleen, breaking in on the story.

"That's the traditional portrayal of them, ain't that right, nerds?" asked Joker, turning to the Crane family.

"Well, the roots of the mermaid figure in folklore aren't particularly clear, as with so many figures of folklore, since they were created by oral cultures when no written records existed. But many people do believe that their attributes were based on the sirens of Greek mythology, who were half bird rather than half fish, but did of course infamously lure men to their doom, such as in Homer's _The Odyssey_ …" began Crane.

"Y'know, sometimes it's ok to just say yes to a question, without having to show off how much you know as a side note," interrupted Joker.

"You mean there aren't any real mermaids?" asked Arleen, looking disappointed.

"It's very unlikely – most of what sailors claimed to be sightings of mermaids were actually probably things like manatees and similar aquatic creatures like that," said Emilia.

"People call me crazy, but I'm seriously not sure how you can mistake a manatee for a half-fish, half-woman creature," said Joker. "But then I suppose I've never been too long at sea where you get so desperate that apparently anything can seem attractive…"

"And it's probably a good thing there are no real mermaids if they act the way they do in this story," said Harley.

"I dunno – Aunt Ivy can try to drown me anytime," muttered J.J. from the other room. "They say it's better while you're being asphyxiated…"

"What's better?" asked Harley, looking at him in confusion.

"Nothing," said J.J., hastily. "Didn't realize I was…thinking out loud there."

"I guess I can accept there being no mermaids," sighed Arleen. "Just as long as unicorns still exist."

Joker saw Katrina open her mouth to contradict Arleen, but cut her off before she could. "You know, the way I see it, in a universe where you've got super-powered aliens who are faster than a speeding bullet, and dorks like Aquaman who can talk to fish, who's to say unicorns or mermaids don't exist? There have been weirder characters in the DC universe. I'm now looking forward to the introduction of the first mermaid superhero Swimerella and her unicorn sidekick Horny. It may not be a series which is appropriate for children, but few comics are these days…"

"I'm not sure this story is, what with the mermaids drowning all these people," commented Harley. "That's not exactly the sort of thing you put in a story for kids."

"Oh, c'mon, pooh, kids love violence!" exclaimed Joker. "Anyway, the Little Mermaid saved the one who mattered."

"I hope she's not gonna get in trouble for it," said Arleen.

"Well, that depends how you define trouble, sweets," said Joker, nodding. "When Harley returned to the palace, she was greeted by a very angry Poison Ivy."

"I can't believe what you did, Harley!" she snapped.

"I can't believe what you and Selina did!" exclaimed Harley. "Tricking men into crashing their ships and drowning them, and then you call them the barbaric ones!"

"Harley, you don't understand anything about the world!" snapped Ivy. "That's partially my fault, since I've shielded you from so much. But you have to understand that what we do is for the greater good. If we didn't kill men, do you know what they'd do to us? They'd catch us and exhibit us as freaks, or kill us and dissect us for science! We are attacking them as a means of defense, so they can never hurt us again!"

"Again?" repeated Harley. "When have they ever hurt you?"

Ivy was silent. "Once," she muttered. "A long time ago. And that's all you need to know about that."

"Stop treating me like a child!" snapped Harley. "I'm eighteen now, and I'm just as much of a grown up as anyone in this queendom! You need to start trusting me to be able to handle the truth!"

"You need to stop talking back to me!" shouted Ivy. "You should be ashamed of what you did, not defiant over your actions! You should have come back here contrite and apologetic, not demanding things from me! What happens when that man you saved realizes it was a mermaid who saved him? Do you think he'll just keep that information to himself? Or do you think he'll tell everyone, and they'll hunt us down and kill us…"

"Mother, he's not like that!" cried Harley. "You don't know him!"

"Neither do you!" shouted Ivy. "And I know that all men are the same! They have only the power to hurt and destroy! They might deceive you about their intentions for a while, but it will all end in pain and misery, since that's all that men are capable of creating!"

"You're wrong," said Harley. "What I felt when I saw him wasn't pain or misery."

"What are you talking about?" demanded Ivy.

Harley paused. "I…I love him," she stammered. "I think I love him."

Ivy stared at her in horror. "Harley, you will stop this right now!" she shrieked, seizing her by the arm and dragging her to her room. "It's not only impossible to love one of them, it's dangerous! I'm not going to let you make the same mistake I did, and until you see reason, you're going to be locked in your room!" she shouted, shoving her inside and slamming and securing the door. "I will not allow my daughter to throw her life away pining after some barbaric fish eater! You will not be allowed to go up to the surface until this madness is over, and you will never see that horrible human again! I'll make sure of it!"

Harley knew it was useless to argue with her. She sank slowly down on her coral bed, trying not to cry.

"Psst, Harley!" whispered a voice.

"Selina?" asked Harley, swimming over to the door.

"I overheard you and Ivy," Selina said. "I think she was being a little harsh, but I know why she overreacted. And if you knew what she'd been through, you'd understand too."

"What has she been through?" asked Harley.

"It's not my place to tell you," said Selina. "She'll tell you herself if she wants you to know. But let's just say she's no stranger to having feelings for a human man before, and I think she of all people should know that locking you up won't make those feelings go away."

"It won't," agreed Harley. "I think I'll just go crazy if I can't see him again. But I guess she's right in that it's an impossible love," she sighed. "There's no way I can trade in my fin for legs, after all."

Selina was silent for a moment. "Actually, there is," she said at last.

"How?" asked Harley, excitedly.

"There's a type of magic, known only to a few," said Selina. "But it comes with a price which you might not be willing to pay."

"What is it?" asked Harley.

"It's different for everyone," said Selina. "He decides it."

"He?" repeated Harley.

"One of the few who possesses that type of magic," said Selina. "But Ivy would seriously kill me if I told you anything else."

"But I thought men didn't exist down here under the ocean," said Harley. "Mother said there are only mermaids…"

"He's not a mermaid," replied Selina. "At least, he doesn't look like us…he's half-man, and half-manta ray. I don't even know what you'd call that as a species, and as far as I know, he's the only one of his kind. The legend goes that he was created by black magic thousands of years ago, and now practices it himself. He is as old as the sea and tides, and just as eternal. Now I really can't tell you anything else or I'll get in serious trouble…"

"That's fine," said Harley. "You don't have to tell me where to find him or anything. Just tell me his name."

Selina sighed. "His name," she said. "Is the Batman-ta-ray."


	5. Chapter 5

"Seriously? The Batman-ta-ray?" asked Harley, breaking in on the story. "I'm not sure how anyone can say that with a straight face."

"I'm not sure how anyone can say the Batman with a straight face," retorted Joker. "I know I never do. It's objectively a laughable concept – a guy who dresses up in a bat costume to fight crime. Why is a Batman-ta-ray any more ridiculous than that?"

"Why do you even have to put Batman in this story?" asked Arleen, making a face. "He just ruins everything."

"Aw, honey, it wouldn't be a Joker story if I didn't include my bestest buddy in some form," said Joker, cuddling her. "Anyway, he's gonna help the Little Mermaid be reunited with her Clown Prince on land. So he does a good thing in this story."

"But isn't he the Ursula character?" asked Arleen. "And won't his help come at a horrible price?"

"You'll just have to see, sweets," said Joker. "Hey, nerd kids, put the books away!" he snapped at Katrina and Annabel, who were trying to conceal the fact that they were reading.

"But I don't want to hear a stupid story about Batman being a fish!" snapped Katrina.

"He's not a fish – he's a Batman-ta-ray!" retorted Arleen. "If you don't pay attention, you won't get anything out of this story, y'know!"

"I doubt you will anyway, except a headache," sighed Crane. He was elbowed by his wife again.

"It's your fault I had to make up this story, nerds, telling my kid depressing stories about mermaids dying and all!" snapped Joker, glaring at Katrina and Annabel. "So really having to sit through this is something you brought upon yourselves. How does that make you feel?"

Katrina just glared back at him, but tears came to Annabel's eyes, and she suddenly started crying. "There we go – halfway to being even," said Joker, as Emilia went to comfort her. "Now let's get on with the story."

The next day, Ivy unlocked Harley's door. "You can come out now if you promise to behave," she said, giving her a stern look.

"I sure do," said Harley. "I really learned my lesson about saving humans and thinking I'm in love with one. You're right – a night locked in my room was just the trick to get me over that."

"I'm glad you've seen sense," said Ivy, nodding.

"Boy, I really have," agreed Harley. "I'm just gonna go for a swim to remind myself how much I love being a mermaid, and to realize how grateful I am that you freed me from that confined space."

"Stay away from the surface," said Ivy. "I mean it."

"I will," said Harley, swimming away. "For now," she muttered under her breath.

It only took a few inquires from some random mermaids about the Batman-ta-ray, all of whom told her to stay well away from the jagged coral cave in the deepest, darkest part of the ocean, for Harley to guess that was where he lived. She followed the fading light down deeper and deeper until she reached something she could barely make out to be some kind of cave.

"Hello?" she called, swimming tentatively inside into darkness. "Mr. Batman-ta-ray?"

"What do you want?" asked a deep, lumbering voice from the shadows.

"My name is Harley Quinn, and I was told…you could grant mermaids legs," said Harley, trying to see the creature's shape in the shadows.

"I can," growled the voice. "The only thing that matters to me is justice."

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Harley.

"It means if I grant you legs, you must give me something of yours," said the voice. "That is what justice is – a balance, an equality, of the universe and everything in it. And the sole purpose of my existence is to preserve justice."

"Well, what would you consider a just exchange for legs?" asked Harley.

The voice was silent for a long while. Then it said, "Your voice."

"My voice?" repeated Harley.

"Your voice is an expression of your identity, a part of yourself you were born with, like your fin," said the voice. "To give you the opposite, I will need to take away that part of yourself. Only then will justice be achieved."

"But how am I supposed to make the human I'm in love with understand that I love him without being able to speak to him?" asked Harley.

"I'm sure you'll find a way," said the voice. "The other one did."

"What other one?" asked Harley.

"The other mermaid who came to me asking for legs," replied the voice. "Long ago now. She bitterly regretted her decision when she realized how horrible and chaotic the surface world actually is. So much crime and violence and pain…not like down here, where the balance of justice is preserved forever."

"But what if you think…that's a little boring?" asked Harley, slowly. "What if you want some excitement and adventure, and you're willing to experience chaos and pain to get it?"

"Then you'll fit right in in the mess that is Gotham City," retorted the voice. "Where chaos and madness reigns, as it does over all the surface world."

"Look, you're not gonna talk me outta this, so let's just get to it," said Harley. "How do I exchange my voice for legs?"

She saw a movement in the shadows, and then a huge shape appeared in front of her, with the torso of a man, but with a black tail and huge black fins spread out like a cape over his shoulders and concealing his face. Only his eyes were clearly visible, as blue as the ocean and as cold as ice.

"Consider your choice carefully," he murmured. "The price of disturbing the balance of justice, even temporarily, is high. I will give you legs for three days. You must find this man that you are sacrificing your voice for and get him to kiss you before the sun sets on the third day. Not just any kiss – the kiss of true love. If he does give you such a kiss before that time, your voice will be restored, and you'll remain human permanently. If he does not, you'll turn back into a mermaid, and become my slave in dispensing justice forever."

"What exactly does that mean?" asked Harley.

"If we do not want the chaos and madness of the surface world to establish itself here, we must destroy those agents of it, as many as we can," said the Batman-ta-ray. "You will be forced to aid me in this. That is the price of disturbing the balance of the universe with your pathetic little dreams, and the reward for your failure. I do not accept failure with good grace," he growled, leaning threateningly forward.

"Yeah…I'm kinda getting that," agreed Harley.

The Batman-ta-ray held out his hand. "Do we have a deal?" he asked.

Harley did consider. She considered returning home to live out the rest of her days under the sea the way her mother wanted her to, sinking ships and never experiencing anything new for the rest of her life. She knew she would always regret it if she didn't take this opportunity to escape that. And if she failed, she would just be doing what her mother wanted her to do anyway, so she was really no worse off. And something about the Clown Prince just seemed so tempting, and so right, that she knew in her heart what her decision would be before her head reached the same conclusion. She shut her eyes and shook the Batman-ta-ray's hand.

She instantly felt something shooting through her body, like a surge of electricity, if she knew what electricity was, which she didn't. All she knew was that it was like little bolts of pain were being fired through her whole body, and she thrashed and flailed, screaming. The Batman-ta-ray just looked at her, keeping his grip fixed on her hand, and the power that coursed through her body ripped her fin in half, and began transforming it into legs. All she could feel was pain, but she stared down in wonder at her own transformation into a human.

And then the Batman-ta-ray swiped upward with his fin cape, and she felt the force rushing her up into the light, until finally she broke the surface of the water, gasping and spluttering. She flailed her arms and legs, wondering how on earth humans managed to swim.

A rogue wave suddenly picked her up and dashed her onto the beach, and she lay on the sand, naked and gasping. The sun's rays on her skin calmed and warmed her. She managed to sit up at last, and stared in wonder at her new legs and feet and toes, which she wriggled in the sand. It was the oddest sensation she had ever felt, tickling and pleasant, and she giggled.

"Didn't know this was a nudist beach," commented a voice behind her. "Not that I'm complaining about the view."

She turned, and gasped in astonishment to see the Clown Prince standing behind her. She beamed, and tried to climb to her feet, but promptly fell flat on her face in the sand, unsteady on her new legs. She heard him chuckle, and then come over to help her up.

"Are you always this clumsy?" he asked, smiling at her.

She smiled back, and then instantly threw her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately. He was too stunned to respond until she drew away, and then he stammered, "Well…it ain't every day a naked dame throws herself at me…must be my lucky day…"

Harley suddenly fell over again onto her face, and she felt him kneel down to help her up again. "You're acting kinda funny, not being able to stand up and all – I don't usually have that effect on women. Are you ok?" he asked.

Harley opened her mouth and tried to respond in the affirmative, but found she still couldn't speak, and frowned. Sadly that hadn't been a kiss of true love, apparently.

"Can't you talk?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Geez, you must have been through something really traumatic," he said. "Shipwreck or something – believe me, I understand. I was in one of those just the other day, and nearly drowned, but I was…saved somehow."

Harley beamed, and pointed eagerly at herself, jumping up and down. "That's what you went through, huh?" he asked. "Weird. At least my clothes stayed on, again, not that I'm complaining. But I wonder how we were both mysteriously saved."

Harley frowned, pointing at herself again. "Look, I'm not great with charades, sweetheart," he said. "Can you do the whole two words, two syllables thing if you want me to guess something? That might help."

Harley tried to mime swimming, pointing to her legs and pulling them together to try to imitate the shape of a fin. She then began hopping around.

"Yeah, I don't have any idea what that means," said the Clown Prince, shaking his head. "Sorry."

Harley sighed. She knew there was no way he could understand a mime of her life story, and since the kiss hadn't worked, she had to come up with a new plan.

"Your highness?" called a voice from the shore, as a heavyset man appeared.

"Rocco, just the man I wanted to see!" exclaimed the Clown Prince. "Come over here and give this little lady your jacket, will you? I'd give her mine, but I doubt it would cover her much on her front, being a tailcoat and all."

Harley perked up at the word 'tail,' and began jumping around again, pointing from the tail of the coat to her legs.

"Is she…ok, your highness?" asked Rocco, as he took off his jacket and draped it over Harley.

"I think she's just a little frazzled from the shipwreck," said the Clown Prince. "Let's take her someplace safe where she can recover, like the palace."

"You mean…the abandoned shack by the dock that we use for a hideout?" asked Rocco, slowly.

"Yes, the palace," repeated the Clown Prince, nodding. "Because princes live in palaces, and I'm the Clown Prince of Crime, so where I live is a palace. But you can call me J, toots," he said, smiling at Harley. "At least, you could if you could speak. But maybe that'll come back to you, huh? Sometimes extreme trauma results in temporary muteness, or so I've discovered from the various people I've put through extreme trauma. Maybe the same thing will happen to you, huh?"

Harley nodded, sighing. "There you go, you can still sigh!" said the Clown Prince, smiling. "Now can you still laugh? That's the most important thing of all. Let's test it out with a joke – what did the fish say when he posted bail?"

Harley shrugged. "I'm off the hook!" chuckled the Clown Prince. He began laughing hysterically, and Harley joined in, giggling uncontrollably.

"There ya go!" he exclaimed, beaming. "You got a great laugh, toots! And who cares if you can't talk? Laughter says more about a person than anything else."

He held out his arm to her, and she took it, leaning against him and walking unsteadily over the sand as they headed to the Clown Prince's so-called palace. In the end, he had to carry her, since she kept stumbling and falling over her new legs, but Harley thought that was no bad thing. She glanced back once at the ocean, and then curled up against her Clown Prince's chest. Three days would be more than enough time, she assured herself.

…

The Batman-ta-ray watched Harley disappear up towards the surface, and then slowly swam out of his dark cave, his fin cape spread about him like giant bat wings. He reached a spot a few miles away, where he found someone waiting for him.

"She agreed, as you knew she would," Batman-ta-ray said. "You've done very well, Selina."

"Well, I scratch your back, and you scratch mine, isn't that how this goes?" purred the Catfishwoman, swimming over to brush herself playfully against him.

"We're not in clear waters yet," growled the Batman-ta-ray, catching her arm. "You have to make sure Poison Ivy doesn't know what Harley has done. Get her out of the palace and distract her somehow. Eventually let her know that Harley has traded her voice for legs to me, and Ivy will come swimming over."

"And what will you do then?" asked Selina. "And what does all this have to do with your plans for Gotham City?"

She curled her tail around his waist, and he gently stroked her hair back. "You'll see, my pet," he murmured. "You'll see."


	6. Chapter 6

"Welcome to the palace!" exclaimed the Clown Prince, kicking open the door to the shack. "It ain't much, but it's home."

Harley looked around at the bare furnishings and the dark, cold, damp room, and shrugged. In terms of general atmosphere, it didn't look or feel much different than what she was used to under the sea.

"Yeah, not bad, huh?" he agreed, putting her down in a rickety chair. "Now Roc, go and find her some clothes."

"Where am I supposed to find women's clothes, your highness?" asked Rocco, puzzled.

"I dunno – steal 'em from someone," retorted the Clown Prince.

"Uh…while they're wearing them?" asked Rocco, his confusion deepening.

"If you want, but you could also burgle a house," retorted the Clown Prince. "It's up to you, really – I leave it to your personal preference."

"Is it really wise to discuss our…business in front of strangers, your highness?" asked Rocco, nodding at Harley.

"Who's she gonna tell?" asked the Clown Prince. "She can't talk. Anyway, we don't know what her opinions on committing crimes are – you can't just assume everyone is going to think it's wrong, you know. You don't necessarily think committing crimes is wrong, do ya, toots?" he asked, turning to Harley. "Especially when it'll get you some new clothes?"

Harley shook her head. "There, y'see?" asked the Clown Prince, turning back to Rocco. "You assume, and you make an ass outta you and me. Get it?" he chuckled.

"Uh…no," said Rocco, heading for the door.

"This little doll's smarter than you give her credit for," continued the Clown Prince, smiling at Harley. "And has exceptionally good taste when it comes to men."

Harley beamed, and leaned forward to try to kiss him again. "Uh…maybe don't do that," said the Clown Prince, shoving her away gently. "I wouldn't feel right…taking advantage of a naked girl who's messed up because of some trauma. That's the kinda thing scumbags do, not princes. Anyway, it's nice that you're so grateful to me for finding you on the beach, but you don't need to keep kissing me to express that. A simple 'thank you' will do, or maybe since you can't talk, a handshake," he said, holding out his hand.

Harley stared at it in confusion – they didn't have this custom under the sea. He slowly took her hand and moved it up and down, noting Harley's bewilderment. "So you're…from a foreign country, I take it?" he asked. "Unfamiliar with our customs here?"

Harley nodded – that last part was true anyway. "I just returned from foreign parts myself," said the Clown Prince, nodding. "France, actually, to see a guy about a book. Apparently Clown Prince translated into French is 'Gwynplaine' – go figure."

He pulled out a map. "So anyway, where are you from?" he asked, gesturing to it.

Harley stared at it. She had never seen a map before – paper disintegrated in the ocean, obviously. The Clown Prince noticed her confused expression, and pointed at a land mass. "This is Gotham City, where we are," he said. "This is the ocean…" he continued, gesturing to the blue.

Harley pointed there. "You're from…the ocean?" he repeated, confused. "You're like a sailor or something? Never heard of any women sailors before, but things are changing all the time…"

Harley pointed emphatically again at the blue, and tried to mime underwater. He just stared at her in confusion. "Does ocean mean something different where you come from?" he asked at last. "Do you even speak English? I mean, when you can speak, of course."

Harley sighed heavily – this was clearly useless. It was incredibly frustrating not being able to speak – she didn't know how she was going to make any real progress with her true love kiss if she couldn't even communicate with the Clown Prince. And he was right – he was really bad at charades.

"I guess if you can't tell me where you're from, you can't tell me your name," the Clown Prince said. "Which is a shame since it makes things awkward if you're staying for a little while. Assuming you _are_ staying for a little while – you're welcome if you want to."

Harley nodded vigorously. "Well, I like your enthusiasm, toots," he said, grinning. "I guess I'll just call you sweetheart or toots or something, assuming you don't mind that."

Harley shook her head. "So…first time in Gotham?" he asked.

She nodded. "I'll take you on a tour of the sights, if you want," he said. "To be honest, most of it's kinda a dump. I mean, I claim it's my kingdom and all, but I don't take responsibility for all of it. I have my own little territory carved out, and the rest of it is the other freaks's problems."

Harley looked at him in confusion. "See, there are a lotta criminal gangs all fighting for control of this place," explained the Clown Prince. "And a lot of them are not as talented as I am at keeping their areas nice and tidy. I mean, you can look around and see that Jokerland is paradise, right?" he asked, gesturing around at the shack. "But not everyone is lucky enough to live in a palace like me. And the less said about the other freaks and controlling their subjects, the better. See, the people of Jokerland know they gotta just smile and laugh, and I'll go easy on 'em. But it's harder to keep the other ones satisfied. There's a guy with half a face who just randomly decides what's allowed and what's not by flipping a coin. God knows how you don't go paranoid living like that. And then there's this other guy who's obsessed with poetry – nonsense poetry at that, so it makes even less sense than poetry usually does. Anyway, the people in his part of Gotham have to recite poetry on cue – again, makes you paranoid. And the less said about the last guy the better. His thing is actually making people feel afraid, so he's probably the king of paranoia. But they're all a buncha losers compared to me. And frankly, if I wanted to make people paranoid, I'd be a lot better than all three of them put together at it. But I ain't that kinda guy. I wanna make people happy, because I'm a kind and generous person like that. Nothing makes me happier than to see people smiling and laughing – that's what I live for."

Harley beamed at him – she had known he was kind and generous from the moment she first laid eyes on him. "You got a real pretty smile yourself," the Clown Prince said, smiling back. "Do you have any idea how long you're gonna be hanging around here? Not that I mind at all – I just want to plan my jokes accordingly so you can see some of the sights."

Harley held up three fingers. "Three weeks?" he guessed. She shook her head, and repeated the gesture. "Three days?" he tried. She nodded. "Wow, that's not much time," he commented.

 _You're telling me_ thought Harley.

"Guess we'd better get started then," said the Clown Prince, standing up. "The moment Rocco's back with some clothes for you, let's go have some fun with the other freaks. And by fun I mean cause them trouble, which is fun for me, of course. I think you'll find it fun too. There's just something about you, toots, some kinda kindred spirit, maybe. And something kinda familiar…"

He trailed off, and Harley's heart beat in hope that he might remember her as the one who had saved him. But he just shook his head and said, "Well, maybe we met in another life once, huh?"

Harley shrugged, but couldn't conceal the disappointment on her face. Rocco returned at that moment with a red and black dress, which he held out to Harley. She just looked at it in confusion.

"Uh…you put it on," said the Clown Prince, gesturing.

Harley tentatively took the garment and studied it carefully, wondering how it was supposed to be worn. "Here, let me help," said the Clown Prince, taking the dress from her and gently slipping it over her head. "Guess you're used to having a maid dress you, huh? You royalty or nobility or something?"

Harley nodded. "In that case, I should probably be calling you your highness," he chuckled. "That's what I make everyone call me, being a prince and all."

Harley pointed to him, and then pointed to herself. He seemed to understand this time, because he said, "You're a princess?"

She nodded happily. "Guess that makes us equals, huh?" he asked, smiling at her. "Which would explain the whole kindred spirit thing."

Harley nodded again, drawing closer to him and gazing up at him hopefully, with her lips tilted upwards. "Well, red is definitely your color," he said, oblivious to her advances. "Now let's go out there and spread some smiles!"

Harley sighed – maybe she had been a little too optimistic before. Three days was nowhere near long enough for a man who only seemed preoccupied with his jokes.


	7. Chapter 7

"Must I be dragged into this story?" voiced Jonathan Crane, interrupting the narrative. "Along with poor Jervis?"

"You know, you think you'd be flattered," snapped Joker. "Outta all the Rogues Gallery, I pick you and your buddy to own a quarter of Gotham City. Separately, rather than as a couple, which you apparently never were, or so you claim. Frankly, I think it's a little suspicious to be supposedly straight and that attached to another guy."

"What about you and Batman?" asked Katrina.

"I can't expect a child to understand the complexities of the relationship that Batman and I share," retorted Joker.

"Some of us are adults and still don't understand it," agreed Crane.

"When you're young, you see everything as black and white," continued Joker, ignoring him. "But when you're older you realize that you can have a deep, meaningful relationship with another person without making it a sexual thing. It's only young people who are obsessed with sex."

"You're the one that implied it was sexual," retorted Crane. "She's eight."

"Well, you better keep an eye on her if she's obsessed with it that young – probably gonna be a total nymphomaniac," retorted Joker. "Just suffice it to say that one day you might meet someone who's your soulmate, yin to your yang, who completes you in every way, and then you might understand. Some relationships transcend the baseness of this world and become the stuff of immortal legend. And that's the relationship Bats and I have. It's been the inspiration for numerous stories and films, some better than others, admittedly, but all celebrating what is undoubtedly the most enduring pairing in popular culture or anywhere else. We just complete each other, it's as simple as that. He wouldn't be Batman without me, and I wouldn't be the Joker without him."

"You know, the most annoying thing about that statement is that I know he'll never say anything like that about me," sighed Harley.

"You can't possibly think I compare our relationship to mine and Batsy's?" demanded Joker. "I mean, it's fine, but it's not the stuff of seventy-eight years of pop culture myth. Yet," he added, pinching her cheek. "I mean, there are idiots out there who think we shouldn't even be together. Can you imagine anyone thinking that Batman and Joker shouldn't be together? They'd be roundly mocked, and rightly so. Until we get to that point, our relationship is just fine, not legendary."

Harley sighed dreamily. "Did ya hear that, everyone? He said our relationship was fine," she gushed, embracing him.

"You're a lucky woman, Harley," commented Emilia, who just shared a despairing look with her husband.

"Daddy, more story!" exclaimed Arleen.

"Sorry, princess, it was rude of someone to interrupt me, wasn't it?" asked Joker, glaring at Crane.

"But both Arleen and Harley have interrupted you before," pointed out Crane.

"Yeah, but not to complain about the way they're portrayed before I even portray 'em!" snapped Joker. "Just leave your complaints, criticisms, and questions to the end of the story when I can safely ignore them by leaving the room. If you wanna whine about other people's stories instead of writing your own, join an internet forum. Now where were we? Oh yes, vaguely Victorian Gotham City."

The Clown Prince carried Harley away from his shack and toward the center of Gotham City. Harley gazed around in wonder – she had never seen anything like it. And although to objective eyes, the city was basically a dump, to fresh eyes, it seemed like a wonderland. The smells, as terrible as they were in a century where nobody washed or bathed or had proper waste disposal, were fresh and new to her, as were the sights of the dilapidated houses and the people dressed in rags. They all noticed the Clown Prince and immediately forced smiles and rushed out of his way, which led Harley to assume that he was a very important person indeed and so well respected by the people of Gotham.

They came at last to what appeared to be a giant wall through the center of the city – it formed an angle cutting off this part of the city from the rest. There were two gates on either side of the wall, and the Clown Prince put Harley down and knocked on one.

It was opened by a small man in a top hat. "What is it, Joker?" he demanded.

"What is it, your highness," corrected the Clown Prince.

"I don't have to call you that – I'm not one of the unfortunate people who lives in your part of Gotham," retorted the man.

"I was just wondering if we could call a temporary truce to the whole rivalry thing, and if you'd let me pass into your section of the city," said the Clown Prince. "I have a guest from outta town who'd like to see the whole thing."

"Absolutely out of the question," retorted the man. "If you think I trust you further than I can throw you, you're mistaken. What sort of guest could you possibly have anyway?"

"A young lady," replied the Clown Prince, gesturing at Harley. "She can't speak – traumatized by the shipwreck that washed her up on my part of Gotham. But since she's here now, I thought I'd show her around."

The man noticed Harley, and promptly removed his top hat. "Well…I had no idea we were in the presence of a lady," he said. "My apologies, madam, but the Joker is not known to be a man of his word, and has attempted tricks to try to gain access to our parts of the city before in order to steal them from us."

"Steal is such an ugly word," said the Clown Prince. "I was trying to instigate a hostile takeover."

"And hostile takeover isn't an ugly word?" asked the man.

"It's two words – thought you were meant to be smart," retorted the Clown Prince. "Toots, this is the Mad Hatter, who owns a quarter of the city of Gotham."

"Or Wonderland, as I call my section," said the Mad Hatter, bowing and kissing Harley's hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you, my dear. Please do come in, both of you, and have some tea, but be warned that I'm watching you," he snapped, glaring at the Clown Prince as he held open the door.

"Is your Scarecrow buddy joining us for tea?" asked the Clown Prince, casually.

"Probably, but he'll have left someone in charge of his section," retorted the Mad Hatter. "So don't think about sneaking in and taking over there either."

"I wouldn't dream of it," replied the Clown Prince insincerely.

Harley looked around at this part of the city, which was markedly different from the one she had just come from. The people here wandered around as if in a trance, and all seemed to have strange cards in their hair. She pointed to one and looked at the Mad Hatter quizzically, who nodded.

"It's a form of mind control I've invented, my dear," he explained. "Much easier to rule a kingdom when your subjects are literally slaves to your will, wouldn't you agree?"

Harley nodded as a random citizen pulled out a chair for her at a long table set up in the center square, laden with tea things. Other citizens circled around, pouring tea and serving cakes. She shrugged, concluding that it must be some kind of magic.

"Have you spoken to Harvey lately?" asked the Clown Prince, sitting down next to Harley.

"He's your neighbor, not mine," retorted the Mad Hatter, stirring his cup of tea. "I communicate with him less than I communicate with you, which as you know, I try to avoid at all costs."

"I was just wondering if he was in a good mood or not – then again, I suppose he'll just flip his coin to see if we can see his section of Gotham or not," said the Clown Prince.

"That would be a reasonable supposition," agreed the Mad Hatter. "He does know how to commit to a gimmick."

"Said the pot to the kettle," muttered the Clown Prince, glancing around at the people who appeared to be painting white roses red.

"Sorry I'm late, Jervis," said a voice, as a man in a scarecrow costume approached the table. "I had a new strain of my fear gas leak out onto the streets, and wanted to watch the result to see just how potent it is. The answer is extremely – I'll need some of your mind-controlled citizens to clean up the mess."

"Certainly," said the Mad Hatter, nodding. "And while we're at it, I shall send one of my subjects inviting Harvey to join us for tea. Perhaps he'll be more open to your request for a tour of his section of the city after that," he added, nodding at the Clown Prince as he waved off a few of his subjects. "I'll send two - he'll appreciate that. Anyway, we have guests to introduce – you know the Joker."

"Unfortunately," growled the man in the scarecrow costume.

"Hi, Johnny, how's the terrorizing going?" asked the Clown Prince.

"Fine," retorted the man in the scarecrow costume, glaring at him. "And it's not terrorizing – it's a controlled scientific experiment whose ultimate aim is the proliferation of terror on a mass scale."

"Uh huh. You're right, that's completely different," said the Clown Prince, sarcastically.

"This is the Joker's guest, an unfortunate young lady who was shipwrecked on his shores," said the Mad Hatter, gesturing at Harley. "She can't speak, so her name is unknown to us."

"I just call her toots or sweetheart, or any other pet name that comes to mind," said the Clown Prince. "Kid, kiddo, cupcake, sweets…"

"Anything demeaning and diminutive, yes, we get the gist," said the Mad Hatter, pouring a cup of tea for the Scarecrow, who was staring at Harley in astonishment.

"Good…Lord," he stammered. "She's certainly…a very striking young lady, isn't she?"

"Yeah, she was naked when I first found her," agreed the Clown Prince, chuckling. "No complaints about that, as you can imagine. I think she's maybe from Europe or someplace where they're more comfortable with casual nudity, because she really didn't seem interested in putting on clothes, and seemed vaguely confused as to how they worked."

"Well, how…fortunate for you to stumble across her," muttered the Scarecrow, sitting down and taking his tea from the Mad Hatter.

"Yep, bet you're jealous she didn't wash up on your section," chuckled the Clown Prince. "I mean, it's pretty obvious you wanna bang that."

"Joker, can you not?" interrupted Crane in reality, flushing bright red.

"Hey, I'm being true to character!" snapped Joker, glaring at him. "You did have a crush on Harley for years, a real big crush! You expect me to just erase that part of your history just because you're married with kids to someone else?"

"I would just appreciate you not making me or Harley or my family feel uncomfortable!" snapped Crane.

"There's nothing uncomfortable about the truth," retorted Joker. "Unless the truth is something hugely embarrassing or incredibly awkward, which this is. But I'm still not silencing it because I think making you uncomfortable is hilarious. Now stop interrupting my story or I'll make your crush on Harley a lot more central. Sometimes the only way to stop people being rude is to take extreme measures," he sighed, returning to his story.


	8. Chapter 8

They were all about halfway through tea when the strangest human Harley had yet seen appeared. He was tall, like the Scarecrow and the Clown Prince, but half of his face was normal-looking, and half was horribly scarred and disfigured. He also wore clothes that were half rich and half ragged, and he flipped a coin in his hand obsessively as he sat down to join them.

"Harvey, glad you decided to accept my invitation," commented the Mad Hatter, passing him a cup of tea.

"The coin decided it, not me," growled the two-faced man, flipping the coin again and consulting it before taking the tea from the Mad Hatter and sipping it.

"I assumed that, of course," said the Mad Hatter, nodding. "You remember the Scarecrow and the Joker, and this is the Joker's guest, whom he found washed up on the beach unable to speak. We surmise she was the victim of a shipwreck. My dear, this is Harvey Dent, but he's more widely known as Two-Face."

Two-Face studied her, scowling. "Washed up on the beach, you say?" he muttered.

"Yeah, naked," agreed the Clown Prince, nodding. "Lucky find, if you ask me."

Two-Face said nothing, glaring down into his drink. "Maybe," he muttered. "Maybe not."

"The real mystery is where she comes from," continued the Clown Prince. "I showed her a map to try and figure it out, but she kept pointing to the ocean."

Two-Face dropped his teacup with a clatter, shattering it. His glare at Harley deepened. "Is that so?" he growled.

"What the devil is the matter with you, Harvey?" asked the Scarecrow, puzzled.

"Yes, you've broken my best china…" began the Mad Hatter.

"If I were you, J, I'd throw her back," spat Two-Face. "Just hold her down under the water until she either drowns or reveals her true form."

"What the hell are you talking about?" asked the Clown Prince.

"A beautiful woman from the sea?" demanded Two-Face. "Do you really not know what a siren is?"

"You mean the mythological creatures who supposedly lure sailors to their doom?" asked the Scarecrow.

"They're not mythological," growled Two-Face. "Trust me, they're real, and they live in the Gotham Bay. The Gotham City Sirens. Beautiful women from the waist up, but fish from the waist down. They have heavenly voices which they use to seduce men to ruin. Believe me, I've had dealings with one before, and that's what happened to me," he muttered, touching his scarred face.

"Ok, but aside from the whole thing about mermaids being fictional, she doesn't have a voice at all, Harvey," said the Clown Prince.

"Neither did the one I met, initially," retorted Two-Face. "Like her, the one I met showed up on the beach, naked and helpless and unable to speak, so I tried to help her. This was before I consulted the coin about everything, and it just seemed like the right thing to do. The fact that it all turned out so horribly wrong is the reason I consult the coin before making decisions now."

He flipped the coin nervously as he spoke. "The one I met…was a beautiful redhead. I had never seen anyone so attractive in my entire life. And I thought…I thought maybe she liked me too…but it turns out she was only using me. It turns out she didn't have a heart. None of their kind do," he growled, glaring at Harley.

"Harvey, don't you think if there were mermaids in Gotham Bay, we would have seen them?" asked the Mad Hatter.

"No," he snapped. "They don't leave any witnesses alive."

"How come you're alive then?" asked the Clown Prince.

"I guess I'm one of the lucky ones," sneered Two-Face. He stood up, towering over Harley, who cowered. "You go back to that heartless bitch in the crushing depths and tell her that's the best place for her, and to stay the hell away from the surface where she can only destroy more innocent people's lives. And get the hell outta here before you do the same thing."

"Hey, Harvey, back off," snapped the Clown Prince, standing up and facing him down. "I'm not gonna let you intimidate my guest."

"Trust me, she ain't a guest," growled Two-Face. "She's a poison. You let her into your life, and she'll destroy you slowly from within, just like Poison Ivy did to me."

Harley gasped at the name. She wanted to ask Two-Face how he knew her mother, and what had happened between them to make him hate her so, but she knew she could never mime those questions. She felt very nervous at the glare of hatred he was giving her, but the Clown Prince refused to back down, and eventually Two-Face did, taking his seat again while still glaring at her.

"So tell me, toots, this cock and bull story that Harvey is spouting is just that, ain't it?" asked the Clown Prince, smiling at Harley. "You're not some siren or mermaid from the ocean, are you?"

Harley nodded vigorously. "There, y'see?" asked the Clown Prince. "She's saying of course it's a cock and bull story."

Harley frowned and shook her head. "And she's not a siren or mermaid," said the Clown Prince, interpreting the gesture wrongly. "And she thinks that's a completely ridiculous suggestion."

"Not necessarily," said the Mad Hatter, pouring himself another cup of tea. "No suggestion is inherently ridiculous, I've always felt, without some study and consideration."

"But the very idea of a mermaid is inherently ridiculous," said the Scarecrow. "How do they breathe underwater? Do they have gills? And how do they reproduce? Are there mermen? Do they lay eggs or are they mammals? Modern science has shown that the possibility of such half-fish, half-female creatures is utter nonsense."

"My dear Jonathan, just because something is nonsense doesn't mean that it's not true," retorted the Mad Hatter. "What a strange world you must live in to believe that things must make sense in order to exist. After all, I don't make sense, being the Mad Hatter, but yet I exist."

"He's got a point," agreed the Clown Prince. "But I still think this whole mermaid idea is a little far-fetched."

"I'm just telling you what happened to me," growled Two-Face. "You can ask anyone – they'll tell you they've seen them."

"They probably had a bit too much to drink," retorted the Scarecrow. "That's the only way I can imagine hallucinating a half-fish, half-human creature."

"And all the shipwrecks that mysteriously occur in the bay?" demanded Two-Face. "How do you explain them away?"

"Rocks," replied the Scarecrow. "Storms. Gotham does have unusually inclement weather."

"And the fact that there are no survivors?" asked Two-Face.

"Hardly surprising in a storm," retorted the Scarecrow. "If they're not drowned, they're dashed against the rocks."

"Look, I know what I experienced," retorted Two-Face. "And I know what I saw. She turned into this half-fish creature and disappeared into the bay."

"And had you had anything to drink when you saw that?" asked the Scarecrow.

"No," snapped Two-Face. "It was the day…my accident occurred."

"So you were traumatized," said the Scarecrow, nodding. "People do often hallucinate under the effects of a severe trauma. It's one of the many things I've proven by my fear gas attacks."

"And what did this siren or mermaid or whatever have to do with your accident?" asked the Mad Hatter.

"She caused it," retorted Two-Face. "It's like I said – I found her on the beach, and helped her, and we became…close. But then three days after I found her, we were…taking a boat out on the water, and the sea suddenly became…choppy and violent. The boat capsized, and I was…thrown into the rocks. They scraped down my face, and I passed out. When I woke up…I was on the shore. I guess I had drifted there somehow. I glanced back at the rocks and saw the girl, only she was different now. Her legs had changed into this fish tail. She leaped off the rocks and then disappeared into the water without a backwards glance. And I knew she was the one who had capsized the boat – she was trying to drown me. She just got close to me in order to kill me, and she nearly succeeded."

"So you receive a severe facial and head injury, so severe that you're knocked unconscious, and you claim that you didn't hallucinate this mermaid?" asked the Scarecrow. "I find that very unlikely. In all probability, the girl drowned, and your guilt concocted this vision to spare you pain. It's another effect I've observed when people fear to face the reality of a situation under my toxin…"

"I didn't hallucinate or imagine it!" roared Two-Face. "I know what happened! I know that siren bitch lured me to destruction just like she lures all other men! Because she's evil and sadistic and cruel, just like all the rest of them! Just like her!" he shouted, throwing a finger at Harley. "But it's not my problem this time, J, it's yours!" he snapped. "Just don't say I didn't warn you, and don't blame me when your face is as messed up as mine, or worse! After all, if she kills you, I'll just take over your quarter of Gotham, so please continue to defend the lying, treacherous little monster!"

He stood up and stormed away. "Well, we should probably get going too," said the Clown Prince, standing up after an awkward silence. "I don't think Harvey will be inclined to let us see his part of Gotham in that mood, so why don't we head home and maybe try again tomorrow, toots?"

Harley nodded, standing up too. She smiled at the Mad Hatter and the Scarecrow, waving at both of them.

"She's certainly a very enchanting young lady, despite her lack of speech," commented the Mad Hatter, when she and the Clown Prince were gone. "I can't imagine what Harvey said to be true."

"Indeed," agreed the Scarecrow, pouring himself another cup of tea. "She's positively charming, not some half-fish monster. Mermaids in Gotham Bay, whatever next! Men in bat costumes haunting the belfrys, I suspect. Such fanciful imaginations people have!"

…

Harley noticed that the Clown Prince was a little more quiet as he carried her back to his so-called palace. It had gotten dark, and as he lit the lanterns and made up a bed for her, he seemed lost in thought. She gently waved her hand in front of his face to bring him back to reality, and he smiled.

"Sorry, I'm a little distracted by what Harvey said," he said. "It's all nonsense, of course, only…when I was almost drowned in Gotham Bay, I woke up on the shore and thought I saw…a mermaid who…looked a little bit like you. I kinda dismissed it as a hallucination because I hit my head and swallowed too much seawater, but now…now I'm not so sure."

He looked at her, and she smiled hopefully. "I mean, even…even if it were true, even if such an insane thing could be true…you wouldn't wanna hurt me, would ya, toots?"

Harley shook her head vehemently. She desperately wanted him to understand that hurting him was the farthest thing from her mind – she desperately wanted him to understand that she loved him, and that she had given up her life to be with him. But that wasn't exactly the kinda thing you could mime.

He smiled back at her. "Lucky thing I trust you, kid," he said, tilting her chin up. "I just don't see that pretty face lying to me."

Harley shook her head again, and she gently lay her hands against his chest. She stared up into his eyes, trying to speak with them, trying to let him read her feelings in them. His hand lingered on her chin, and she slowly slid her hands up to touch his face, bringing her lips up toward his.

"Well, goodnight," he said, suddenly drawing away from her. "I'll see you tomorrow – I'll be on the sofa in the other room if you need anything. Just holler," he said, leaving and shutting the bedroom door after him.

Harley sighed heavily, climbing under the soft sheets. She wriggled her toes to try to cheer herself up. Today had been kinda a bust, but she was determined to redouble her efforts tomorrow. Two days was plenty of time to win her Clown Prince's heart. Or so she sincerely hoped.


	9. Chapter 9

"I seriously can't believe you dragged me all the way to the other side of the ocean on a false alarm, Selina," snapped Poison Ivy, as she and the Catfishwoman swam back into Gotham Bay. "And in such a rush that I didn't even get to say goodbye to Harley or tell her where I'm going. All because of some stupid supposed emergency…"

"I'm telling you, Ivy, I heard from a very reliable source that the humans were planning on completely destroying the kelp forests by the turn of the tide," replied Selina.

"What reliable source?" demanded Ivy.

"Uh…the Batman-ta-ray," said Selina, slowly.

Ivy's eyebrows narrowed. "And what were you doing talking to him?" she asked, casually.

"I can talk to him if I want to," retorted Selina.

"Sure, I just thought you might not want to, after what he did to me," growled Ivy. "I just thought maybe a good friend would support me in my hatred of him. What are friends for if not to share hate, after all?"

"I understand why you might be bitter about how things turned out for you on the surface, but I don't think it was the Batman-ta-ray's fault," retorted Selina. "He made a bargain with you, and upheld his terms of the deal…"

"He cheated!" shouted Ivy. "You know he cheated, Selina! He knew I was going to get Harvey to kiss me on the third day, he knew I loved him, and he loved me, so he sent a storm to sink our boat! He tried to kill Harvey, and I saved him, but I could only do that after I transformed back into what I am. And when he saw what I am…I couldn't even face him. I was too ashamed about having deceived him, and he would have rejected me anyway…"

"That's really not the way the Batman-ta-ray tells it," retorted Selina. "He said he had nothing to do with that storm…"

"And you believe him over me?" demanded Ivy. "So much for trusting your friends! I know he caused it, and he knows he caused it! Because he couldn't stand to see me win! Because he's obsessed with not letting anyone in Gotham be happy! And now I have this stupid quota of men to drown, rather than just drowning them when I feel like it…"

"But don't you want to drown men all the time anyway?" asked Selina.

"Yes, but it should be a voluntary thing, not because I owe the Batman-ta-ray a certain number of dead men a month!" snapped Ivy. "All because of his ridiculous justice obsession of keeping the surface world's population balanced, whatever that means!"

"Are you saying you could have been happy on the surface with some man?" asked Selina.

Ivy glared at her. "No," she retorted. "I mean…he probably would have disappointed me, as all men do, because they're evil. But still…the Batman-ta-ray shouldn't have cheated. Not that I'm complaining about being saved from my inevitable disappointment. I just resent a man saving me from another man, is all. Sets feminism back hundreds of years."

"…what century do you think we're in?" asked Selina, slowly.

Ivy ignored her, swimming into the palace. "Harley? We're back, honey! Sorry we had to rush off without telling you, but I trust you've managed on your own – you're an adult now, after all!"

She knocked on Harley's shell door. "Harley?" she called, opening it and looking inside. "Harley?" she called, floating around the palace with a growing sense of unease when Harley didn't appear to be inside.

"She's gone, Selina!" Ivy exclaimed, swimming furiously out of the palace. "Harley's missing! She could be anywhere – she could be hurt somewhere out there in the ocean all alone…"

"I don't think she's in the ocean," said Selina, slowly. "Or all alone."

Ivy stared at her in horror. "No!" she gasped. "No! But how did she find out about the Batman-ta-ray?"

"Must have been gossip from one of the other mermaids," said Selina, shrugging.

"When I find out which one, I'm going to gut her like a fish and leave her for the humans to find!" snapped Ivy, racing through the water. "Right before I do the same for the Batman-ta-ray!"

"Poison Ivy, how lovely to see you again," said the Batman-ta-ray, calmly, as Ivy burst into his cave.

"Skip it, Bats, where is she?!" demanded Ivy.

"Oh, I think you know the answer to that," said the Batman-ta-ray quietly, smiling at her.

"You didn't…you didn't make a deal with her?" asked Ivy.

He nodded. "The same one I made with you. Her voice, in exchange for legs and three days."

"You monster!" shouted Ivy, angrily. "It will destroy her! When he doesn't love her back, it will break her heart! And you think you can enslave her the way you've enslaved me?! She won't drown men!"

"Perhaps I will have another use for her," he replied. "When Gotham's reckoning comes, and when I rule over her from shore to shore, I will need many servants."

"Not only are you evil, but you're delusional!" shrieked Ivy. "How under the sea do you think you're going to conquer Gotham when it's up on land, and we're down here?!"

"Don't underestimate my powers, Ivy," he retorted. "Believe me, when the time is right, when the scales of justice are aligned, I will cover the surface world in water and wipe away the chaos and corruption and crime of Gotham City forever. Soon there will only be the complete, perfect order of the ocean."

"Listen to me," Ivy hissed, dangerously. "You are going to give my daughter her voice and fin back now. She is going to return under the sea where she belongs and stop all this human foolishness once and for all, just like I did!"

"And would you have, had I not given you the chance to realize your dream?" demanded the Batman-ta-ray. "Would you have just obediently complied with what was expected of you? Somehow I seriously doubt that. And Harley is so like you, Ivy. A chip off the old block. You think you would have expected a similar sense of curiosity about the world above, and a similar stubbornness from which no arguments of reason can sway you."

Ivy glared at him. "You're going to cheat again," she hissed. "Just like you did with me! You're going to ruin her life the way you ruined mine! And I'm not going to let that happen!"

"I did not cheat!" snapped the Batman-ta-ray. "I would never cheat! That storm was an act of nature, not of mine! If I had cheated, that would negate the terms of the deal, as I would have had an unfair advantage. It would tip the scales of justice, and I would never do such a thing. I am obliged to abide by the terms of my deals – if I tried to cheat, they would be invalidated. As they would be should anyone get around the terms of the deal somehow. But you cannot stop it. It is Harley's second day on land already, and she is no closer to her true's love kiss than she was on the first day."

"How do you know that?" demanded Ivy.

"I have many powers, Ivy," he retorted. "I can see what happens on the surface world. Trust me, she has no hope of success. And even if she did, would you really want that for her? Stuck on the surface forever with some human – it's better that she fails and comes back here. You should be on my side with this."

Ivy said nothing, but turned and swam straight back to the palace. She entered a room with several cupboards and a simmering cauldron. "What are you doing?" asked Selina, who found her mixing potions together.

"I'm getting her back," snapped Ivy. "I'm going up there to drag her back down here myself. And then I'm getting the Batman-ta-ray to give her her tail and voice back, and things will go back to the way they were."

"How are you going to make him do that?" asked Selina.

"Simple. He's obsessed with justice and balance," retorted Ivy. "If the terms of the deal aren't completed, then the deal is off. That's the way justice works. So if Harley doesn't spend her three days on land, he can't enslave her without throwing off his precious balance. I'm just going to outsmart him by making Harley come back earlier thus negating the deal."

"Do you have the power to do that?" asked Selina.

"I have more power than he thinks," snapped Ivy. "I have more power than anyone thinks. Harley came from my magic – that gives me special powers in relation to her."

"Ivy, maybe you should consider just letting Harley make her own mistakes…" began Selina.

"And let that thing control her forever?" demanded Ivy, glaring at her.

"As opposed to you just controlling her forever?" asked Selina. "At least she's got to experience what it feels like to be free to make her own choices, even temporarily. If you drag her back down here, she'll never feel that again. And she'll probably resent you forever."

"Don't pretend you know her better than I do!" snapped Ivy. "Just hold down the fort here while I'm gone."

"To the surface?" asked Selina. "Can you do that?

Ivy said nothing, but added a final ingredient to the cauldron. There was a blinding flash of light as a column of fiery water arose from the vessel, like a beacon. Tendrils of light reached out and enveloped Ivy, and she emerged a few moments later…looking exactly like Harley in human form.

With a contemptuous glance at Selina, she dove straight into the beacon, which turned into a whirlpool which shot her up toward the surface. Selina watched her depart, and then sighed.

"The Batman-ta-ray is not going to like this," she muttered. "And neither will Harley."


	10. Chapter 10

"Rise and shine, kiddo!" exclaimed a voice, awakening Harley rather suddenly. She sat up with a jolt, forgetting for a moment what had happened yesterday, and stared at the man standing in front of her in astonishment. She blinked to make sure she wasn't dreaming, and then beamed at him.

"Well, you're certainly cheerful in the morning," he said. "How's the voice today?"

Harley shook her head. "Still nada?" he asked, drawing aside her curtains. "Well, that's too bad, but don't worry. I'm sure it'll be back soon."

Harley squinted at the sun, and then threw off the covers to bask in its warmth.

"We got a lot to do today, so get dressed," began the Clown Prince, as he turned around. "Er…yeah…get dressed in…anything," he stammered, turning away again awkwardly. "Didn't know you were sleeping naked, but I guess I'd wanna take the dress off after wearing it all day too."

Harley realized that for some reason humans were more comfortable wearing their funny rags, and hastily pulled on her dress. She stood up and hugged the Clown Prince tightly.

"Affectionate little thing, ain't ya?" he chuckled, patting her head. "That's a nice way to start the morning. Well, c'mon, let's get out there. I have so much to show you about the way things work in my kingdom. You'll be amazed at how much fun people have, so many happy faces and cheery smiles! Mostly because their ruler is a bit of a comedy genius, which you'll see! If those other losers won't let you see their parts of Gotham, we'll just have to have fun in mine. And that's easy to do with me, because fun is my middle name! Not literally – that's actually 'of,' as in Clown Prince of Crime. Anyway, Roc's made breakfast, so let's eat and head out!"

Harley followed him into another room, where the henchman from yesterday placed a plate down in front of her. She was horrified to see that it was a fish dish, and started back off her chair.

"What is it?" asked the Clown Prince. "Doncha like fish?"

Harley shook her head vehemently. "Why's that – you used to living with them rather than eating them?" he chuckled.

Harley just looked at him. "Ok…bad joke, I guess," said the Clown Prince, slowly. "Roc, can you make her something else, please?"

Rocco obeyed, taking away the plate. Harley saw the Clown Prince staring at her in slight suspicion, and she felt a pang in her heart. She wanted to tell him that what Harvey had said about mermaids was true, and that she was one, but she would never hurt him in any way. If she couldn't communicate that, this whole endeavor was doomed to failure, since his suspicions of her only seemed to be growing.

When they had finished breakfast, the Clown Prince led her outside and toward the center of his part of Gotham, where a giant tank had been set up. Inside the tank were a number of brightly colored fish swimming around.

"Roll up, roll up, ladies and gents – it's time for your Clown Prince's latest amusement!" announced the Clown Prince, gesturing at the tank. "I give you…the Death of a Hundred Smiles! Here's how it works – one of you is volunteered by me to be dropped into this piranha tank, to be ruthlessly and efficiently devoured by these fish. So not only will you die via a hilarious joke, you'll also be a useful meal for these little beauties. What could be better than that?"

The townspeople, who had been gathered in the square by Rocco and the other henchmen, just shared panicked looks – clearly these kinds of horrible jokes were fairly standard under the Clown Prince's reign. Harley, unfamiliar with the customs of the surface world, assumed this was just normal behavior, as odd as it seemed to her. Mostly she was just pleased that the fish were going to get a good meal.

"So…who's it gonna be?" asked the Clown Prince, looking around and smiling. "Any volunteers?"

One of the henchmen raised his hand. "Uh…boss, how is it the death of a hundred smiles?"

The Clown Prince sighed, rubbing his temples. "For the last time, it's your highness. And I can't stand explaining jokes to people – see, there are a hundred piranhas…"

"But, your highness, those fish aren't smiling," said the henchman, pointing at the tank. "In fact, they look downright miserable."

It was true – the piranhas tiny jaws were determinedly set in a permanent frown. Harley watched as the Clown Prince's face slowly dropped into a frown too – this was something that clearly hadn't crossed his mind. Harley thought his frown was the saddest sight she had ever seen, and was desperate to make him smile again. And suddenly it struck her.

She tapped the Clown Prince on the shoulder. "What is it, toots?" he asked, turning to her.

She pointed to her frown, attempting to tilt her head upside down. "Sweets, I'm really not sure what you're trying to say…" he began.

She sighed, and then suddenly lay down on the ground in front of him so that her head was at his feet, and her frown was upside down. He stared at her for a moment in bafflement, and then she saw a slow smile spread across his face as he suddenly realized what she was trying to say (although from her perspective, it still looked like he was frowning.)

"We'll drop them in upside down!" he exclaimed. "That way the victim will see their frowns as smiles, so the joke still works! I mean, it takes some explaining, which I don't much care for, but at least I can still do my joke today! Great job, toots!" he said, helping Harley up and patting her on the back. "You got beauty and brains! And Moe, since you pointed out that thing about the smile, you get to be the one who completes the joke today! Congratulations!"

There was a collective sigh of relief from the rest of the crowd as the poor henchman was tied up over the piranha tank. Harley couldn't take her eyes off the Clown Prince's beaming smile as the henchman was lowered into the tank and devoured – the screams were drowned out by his hysterical laughter, which was the sweetest music to Harley's ears.

After that, she noticed the Clown Prince looking at her with less suspicion and more what she hoped was admiration, if not something else. She spent the rest of the day watching him play similar cruel pranks and jokes on his subjects, which she never failed to giggle at. With each laugh, she saw his admiring look grow.

That evening, they had dinner out on the pier. Harley watched the sun set over the waves and felt nervousness in the pit of her stomach as she realized that her second day was drawing to a close. She only had one day left to win the Clown Prince's heart, or she would have to return to the sea and never see him again…

She felt him take her hand suddenly. "You ok?" he asked.

She nodded, smiling. "Bad food?" he asked, nodding at her empty plate. "Maybe you should try to eat something other than seaweed, although I don't recommend the fish. I gotta say, I've never had piranha before, and I'm not sure whether they taste this bad normally or whether it's because they had a big meal this morning. Not sure I'd ever have it again though."

Harley nodded in agreement. "So what time are you heading out tomorrow?" he asked.

She pointed at the horizon. "Sunset?" he guessed. She nodded. "See, I'm getting better at this!" he said, beaming at her. "Maybe I'll be able to guess your name before you leave. Could I try now?"

Harley nodded enthusiastically. "Ok, gimme a letter," he said, leaning back.

Miming letters was actually fairly easy – Harley thought about maybe spelling individual words out in future, but miming out her whole life story letter by letter might take a long time. "Hailey?" he said after she finished.

She made a face and shook her head. "No, wait, sorry, that was an 'L,' wasn't it?" he asked. "Halley?"

Harley shook her head vehemently, miming an 'R' emphatically. "Harley," he said finally, and she nodded excitedly. "Harley," he repeated, smiling. "Well, that's kinda pretty. I might even like it better than toots or sweetheart. You know, in Italy a harlequin is a type of clown. Maybe it was destiny that led you to me."

Harley nodded, squeezing his hand and beaming. "Well, Harley, I'm really gonna miss you tomorrow, actually," he said. "It's been nice having someone around who really appreciates my jokes. Not many people in this dump really have a sense of humor, but you got a good one. Unusual in a dame too. You're a special gal, Harley."

Harley smiled, and leaned forward gently. Her heart soared as she saw him cautiously lean forward too. As their faces drew closer together, Harley parted her lips, tingling with excitement…

"Just gonna see about dessert," said the Clown Prince, standing up suddenly. "Back in a second, toots."

Harley frowned as he hurried off – she felt sure that he had been about to kiss her. Maybe he had got cold feet suddenly for some reason. But she was still hopeful – if things had gone so well on only the second day, she felt confident of getting her true love's kiss by this time tomorrow.

She looked out over the ocean – the sun had set completely and the stars had come out. She was looking at the sky rather than the sea, so she didn't see the figure emerge from the water. She didn't hear it swimming over to her, and she didn't notice it until it suddenly grabbed her arm and dragged her off the pier into the water. She didn't even have time to scream, even if she could scream.

"Sorry about the delay, toots, had to shoot someone, but I hope the souffle was worth it," said the Clown Prince, returning to see what in his eyes was Harley just sitting where he had left her. "See if you like it…"

The Harley sitting across from him took a piece of the souffle, ate it, and then suddenly spat it out in disgust. "That's hideous," she snapped. "Just like you."

The Clown Prince of Crime stared at her. "You…you can talk," he stammered.

"Of course I can talk!" she snapped. "I just had nothing to say to you before, because you utterly repulsed me. So I pretended I couldn't speak so I could avoid talking to you. I decided to hang around you out of morbid curiosity, to see if you were really as awful as my first impression, and two days with you has more than confirmed that. You're a disgusting excuse for a human being, and I hope I never see you again."

She stood up, struck him hard across the face, and stormed off.

The Clown Prince of Crime stared after her, stunned, as the fake Harley, who was really Poison Ivy, smiled to herself. The real Harley was tied to the underside of the pier with living seaweed, which bound her firmly as she struggled uselessly, listening in horror to every word. She was unable to let the Clown Prince know what had happened, and that the Harley up on the surface was an imposter. But tears filled her eyes as she realized how difficult it would be to get her true love's kiss now.


	11. Chapter 11

"I find this story ridiculous," announced Katrina, breaking in on the story again. "It's got all the elements of the most ridiculous of melodramas – exotic creatures, mistaken identities, ludicrous plot twists, all in a pathetic attempt to make a very thin narrative exciting and believable. But it's not at all believable. Even putting aside the fantasy element, you have people falling in love in two days, which isn't at all realistic…"

"It is too!" retorted Harley. "Mr. J and I fell in love at first sight, didn't we, puddin'?"

"You know, you must be a real blast at parties, kid," said Joker.

"Katrina, it's not nice to criticize other people's stories," said Emilia, sternly.

"Even though some quite rightly deserve to be criticized," muttered Crane, who was elbowed by his wife again.

"Even if you don't think it's very good, it takes a lot of hard work and effort to make up a story," continued Emilia. "I'm an author myself, you know, and I always feel bad if I think people don't like what I write."

"On the other hand, you're a real, professional author, my dear, and this man is an insane criminal who tells jokes," pointed out Crane.

"Hey, telling a joke is a lot like telling a story!" snapped Joker. "You gotta take your time with the setup so that when the punchline comes, it'll get the reaction you want. I am the master of telling jokes, so why wouldn't I be the master of telling stories as well?"

"Well, you're clearly not if you can't hold the attention of a child of eight," retorted Crane.

"Actually, in my experience, children are the most difficult audiences to hold," said Emilia. "They have very vivid imaginations and can easily just make up their own stories if they get bored with yours."

"All right, well, go do that, then," snapped Joker. "Go write your own mermaid story, kid, and I'll be happy to criticize it when you tell it."

"I wanna hear the rest of your story, Daddy," said Arleen.

"And I'd love to tell it to you, princess, without interruptions," said Joker. "But you got these rude kids always criticizing. I blame bad parenting – if your parents are jerks, your kid will turn out a jerk."

"So can we blame your parents?" asked Crane, dryly.

"Sure, if any of us knew who they were," retorted Joker, shrugging. "And we can most definitely blame you for your little brats. With a dad like that, kid, you're probably destined to fail, so whatever hopes and dreams you have right now, you should probably just give up on."

"Don't talk to my daughter like that!" snapped Crane, as tears came to Katrina's eyes.

"I'm just telling her the truth," retorted Joker. "Your kids are destined to be as big a bunch of losers as you are."

"My Daddy is not a loser!" shouted Katrina through her tears.

"And that's crying child number two – mission accomplished," said Joker, smiling.

"You will not bully my daughters!" shouted Crane, standing up.

"And who's gonna stop me, loser?" demanded Joker. "You?"

"Daddy, no fighting!" snapped Arleen, grabbing his hand and tugging him back down. "Finish the story first!"

Joker glared at Crane. "You're damn lucky that I'm such a good father that my kids come before my need for senseless violence!" he snapped. "So I'm gonna finish the story, and save beating the crap outta you for later! If you were as smart as you claim you are, I'd be outta here before then! Now princess, where were we?" he asked, turning to Arleen with a smile. "Oh yeah, poor Harley was all tied up, and an imposter had taken her place."

Well, the plants that had tied Harley up now dragged her into a nearby cave, where the sea splashed upon the rocks in a sheltered cove. A few moments later, the imposter entered, and Harley gasped in astonishment to see herself standing in front of her. She wanted to ask who this person was, and what the heck was going on, but her voice was still gone.

"It's ok, baby," said the imposter, gently. "I've come to take you back home, and away from these horrible people. You must have realized what I realized a long time ago – that humans are awful. I hate to think how you've suffered being in the company of that clown, but it's all right now. You're gonna come home, and I'm not going to be mad. I'm going to forgive you, and everything is going to go back to the way it was when we were happy together under the sea."

Harley gasped in realization, and managed to mouth the word, "Mother?"

"Yes, it's me, baby," said the imposter, kneeling down next to her and stroking her hair back. "Since you come from my magic, I have the power to replicate your form. And thank goodness I do, so I can save you from making the same terrible mistake I did. The Batman-ta-ray does not play fair. He won't let you get your true love's kiss, not that that clown could ever be your true love. He's hideous and horrible and not at all a suitable match for my daughter. And when you're a bit older, my darling, you'll realize that you don't need love. A strong woman doesn't need anything but the love of herself. And I raised you to be a strong woman, my darling. You will not disappoint me by throwing your life away on some ridiculous human. You deserve better. You deserve a life like mine, a ruler of the ocean, a life of power and control, not to be some submissive slave to a pretender prince."

Harley wanted to scream at her, to shout that her mother's life wasn't the life she wanted, to tell her that she had made her decision, and that if she respected her at all, she would respect her choice. She wanted to tell her that even if it wasn't all that her mother had planned for her, she was happy in a way she had never been before all because of her Clown Prince.

But of course she still couldn't say anything, and so merely stared at her mother with heartbroken eyes. "It will get better, my darling, I promise," murmured the imposter, hugging her gently. "The pain will get better, and will turn to fury. You will want to hurt these humans, mark my words. Just as I do…"

"Hello, Harley?" called a voice from the entrance to the cave. Harley gasped as she recognized the voice of the Clown Prince, but was quickly restrained by Ivy's seaweed again. The imposter headed to the mouth of the cave, glaring at the Clown Prince.

"How did you find me?" she snapped.

"I followed you," he said. "I just…kinda wanted to understand what happened back there. I kinda thought…I dunno…we had kinda a connection these past couple days…"

"You're mistaken," she snapped. "I have never thought of you with anything other than the utmost contempt."

"Well then, you've been giving off some pretty mixed signals," he replied. "I'm just a little confused, I guess, as to why you've suddenly changed your mind about me apparently…was it something I said or did?"

"It's everything about you," she retorted. "You're repulsive."

"Repulsive, right," he said, nodding. "Only that's definitely not what you were thinking earlier. You might be the greatest actress alive, but I doubt it. It was genuine, what we had, wasn't it? It was real?"

"For the last time, it was not!" she snapped. "Now just leave me alone! I don't want to see you again!"

"Aw, c'mon, toots," he said, smiling at her. "You don't want me looking like those piranhas, do you? Because that's what'll happen if you leave me now."

"I don't know what you're talking about," she snapped.

"Yes, you do," he said. "The piranhas in the square today. The Death of a Hundred Smiles."

She just stared blankly at him. "What did the piranha say when eating a clownfish?" he asked. "This tastes funny!"

He laughed hysterically, while the imposter just continued to stare at him, looking completely unamused. The Clown Prince's smile gradually fell. "You're…you're not Harley," he murmured. "She would laugh at my joke…"

The real Harley did laugh from inside the cave, and the Clown Prince was about to storm inside, when the imposter stepped in front of him. "I don't know who you are or what you've done with Harley, but you're not stopping me from getting to her," he growled.

"Yes, I am," the imposter murmured. With a shriek, she launched herself at him, but the Clown Prince managed to intercept her and began grappling with her. He finally managed to prise her away from him and punched her hard across the face, which sent her splashing back into the water, where she disappeared from sight.

"Harley?" he called, racing into the cave. "Harley?"

He spotted her tied up in the seaweed and ripped the tendrils off her. "Are you ok?" he asked.

She nodded, gazing up at him with tears in her eyes. "Hey, don't cry," he said, tilting her chin up. "I knew it wasn't you who said those things. I knew it even before she didn't laugh at my joke. I know my Harley better than anyone else. Because I love her."

Harley's heart soared, and she leaned forward gently for her kiss. She felt his mouth draw close to hers, when his tailcoat was suddenly seized from behind. "I'm not letting you do this!" shrieked Ivy, who had transformed back into her mermaid form and was dragging the Clown Prince back toward the water. He stared in astonishment at her while Harley grabbed his arm and tried to tug him back.

Suddenly, there was a rumbling from down below, and the cave began to shake. "What the hell is that?" asked the Clown Prince, as bits of debris began to rain down as the water shook again.

Another mermaid popped up from the cove near the shore. "Ivy, Harley, we need to go now!" shouted Selina.

"What under the sea is going on down there?" demanded Ivy. "I leave you for five minutes…"

"It's not me, Ivy!" exclaimed Selina.

"Then what is it?" she shouted.

"It's…uh…him," stammered Selina, pointing out into the cove.

Everyone looked to see a huge, black shape bubbling to the surface of the water. With another huge rumbling and a giant crash, the shape emerged to reveal the Batman-ta-ray, but he must have grown to about one hundred times his size. He burst through the roof of the cave, reducing it to rubble, as everyone dived to avoid it. The Clown Prince leapt forward to grab Harley and shield her in his arms. "What on earth is that?" he gasped, staring at the Batman-ta-ray.

Harley still couldn't speak, so Ivy spoke for her, "That is a huge problem."


	12. Chapter 12

"No, seriously, what is that?" demanded the Clown Prince, rounding on her.

"I am Gotham's reckoning," rumbled the Batman-ta-ray. "I am its judgment, and final justice. I will cover this city in a tidal wave of purifying water, and once I have washed away all crime and corruption, this city shall be a paradise of order. I have waited thousands of years to begin my crusade to wipe the earth clean, as clean and pure as the ocean. I shall reign over it all, and there shall be no crime, and no chaos. Only pure, perfect order."

"So he's crazy," said the Clown Prince. "Explains a lot. Welcome to Gotham, I guess."

"Didn't you hear him?" shouted Ivy. "He's going to destroy Gotham! Not that I care what happens to your pathetic little city…"

"You should, because Harley's here!" snapped the Clown Prince. "And you might be able to breathe underwater, sweetheart, but I'm betting she can't right now! Just tell me how the hell I can stop this thing!"

"How should I know?" snapped Ivy. "Just because he lives under the sea doesn't mean I know everything about him! Why would you jump to that conclusion?"

"Oh, I'm sorry!" snapped the Clown Prince. "What with the sudden realization that mythical creatures exist and all, I just assumed you all knew each other!"

"I do know him!" snapped Ivy. "But he wasn't that huge the last time I saw him!"

"It's…partially my fault," said Selina, slowly.

"By partially, do you mean it's all your fault?" demanded Ivy, rounding on her.

"No," retorted Selina. "He needed something from three different mermaids for his spell to be enacted. He stole my heart, metaphorically, of course. He stole Harley's voice, and he stole your soul, Ivy. With the power of all three sirens' magic combined, he was able to cast his spell to give him the power to make the land like the ocean. He will destroy humanity on a grand scale, starting with Gotham City."

"Not on my watch!" snapped the Clown Prince. "Nobody is destroying my kingdom! It may be a dump, but it's _my_ dump! C'mon," he said, helping Harley to her feet. "Let's get outta here and warn the others. You two try and figure out a way to stop that thing," he said, nodding at Ivy and Selina, and then at the Batman-ta-ray, who was heading slowly and inexorably toward shore, with a huge tidal wave in his wake.

"We came as quickly as we could," said the Mad Hatter, as he and the Scarecrow arrived on the beach. "And as soon as we saw the giant sea monster thing."

"Any ideas on how we stop it?" the Clown Prince asked.

"It's not really the sort of thing one prepares for, is it?" asked the Mad Hatter. "We'd better hope Harvey shows up – he appears to have dealt with odd sea creatures before, and five heads are better than one."

"Speak for yourself," retorted the Clown Prince. "But if Harvey comes, I gotta tell him he was right about the whole mermaid thing."

"I did tell you not to dismiss it out of hand," sighed the Mad Hatter. "But no, you knew better…"

"Hey, it's your nerd friend who said it was complete nonsense!" snapped the Clown Prince. "What's he got to say now, huh?"

"I have absolutely nothing to say," said the Scarecrow. "What can one say when one sees a sea monster with his own eyes? But I cannot believe Harvey was correct about Harley wanting to kill you. No one that beautiful could possibly be an evil person, and even if she was, she would certainly be worth dying for…"

"Joker, please, drop the crush!" shouted the real Crane, interrupting the story again.

"You can't suppress the truth!" snapped back real Joker. "And frankly, I'm in no mood to be nice to you! You're lucky I don't throw in an awkward love confession scene right now, but it would break the flow of the narrative! Back to it!"

"No, I think I met the mermaid Harvey was talking about, and she's a real pain in the patootie," said the Clown Prince. "Seems to think it's fun to go around impersonating people, and then insulting and attacking other people. It's downright rude, I tell you."

"From what Harvey said, you're lucky she didn't kill you," retorted the Mad Hatter.

"What Harvey said about what?" asked Two-Face, appearing suddenly. "And have we thought up a plan for defeating the giant sea monster yet?"

"Not yet – any ideas?" asked the Clown Prince. "And I think I found your mermaid, which totally exist, by the way."

"Good – maybe she can kill the monster like she tried to kill me," snapped Two-Face.

"I did not try to kill you!" shouted Poison Ivy, emerging from the water at that moment. "It was that thing!" she shrieked, throwing her finger at the Batman-ta-ray, who was almost upon them. "He sent that storm to foil me from getting my true love's kiss!"

Two-Face stared at her in shock. "You mean…you think I'm your true love?"

"I did, that's why I saved your life!" snapped Ivy. "I know better now!"

"You…saved my life?" he repeated. "I thought…you were trying to kill me."

"Why would I try to kill you?" demanded Ivy. "I love you, you idiot!"

She realized what she had said, and quickly corrected herself. "I mean…I loved you, you idiot," she snapped.

"I…love you too," he murmured, gazing at her.

"It's great that you're reunited and were able to sort out your little misunderstanding, but we're kinda all gonna die unless we stop that thing, so let's focus on that!" snapped the Clown Prince.

"Hang on!" shouted the Mad Hatter, as the enormous tidal wave headed straight for them. It broke against the shoreline, flooding into the city. The force of the water ripped Harley away from the Clown Prince, and she struggled and flailed, trying to swim. She was suddenly seized by Ivy, and they were both dashed against a building by the wave.

"Are you ok, baby?" gasped Ivy, studying her.

Harley nodded, gesturing at the rapidly receding water in concern. "Don't worry," said Ivy, grimly. "I have a feeling that wasn't the last wave."

"He's trying to flood the city!" sputtered the Mad Hatter as he was helped to his feet by the Scarecrow.

"I can see that, genius!" snapped the Clown Prince, rubbing the water from his eyes. "Where's Harley?"

"Over here!" shouted Ivy, waving at them. The Clown Prince and Two-Face rushed over to them.

"You need to get back in the water, Ivy," said Two-Face, picking her up gently.

"I told Harley, I think there's plenty more coming our way," said Ivy, nodding out to sea where another wave was building.

"Ok, here's what we're gonna do," said the Clown Prince. "Someone needs to distract that thing so it stops pouring water on us, and someone else needs to kill it somehow. I volunteer to kill it."

"Only because you want someone else to be the live bait," snapped the Scarecrow.

"Well, yes, and I can't think of a more fitting option than actual live bait," said the Clown Prince, looking pointedly at Ivy.

"If you expect me to put my life on the line and trust you to kill it before it kills me, you're crazier than I already think you are!" snapped Ivy. She felt someone tug at her hand, and turned to see Harley pointing at both of them. "You want us to attack it together?" interpreted Ivy. "When you can barely swim? Are you crazy too?"

Harley shook her head vehemently. She pointed to the Clown Prince and smiled. "You're doing this for him," interpreted Ivy. "So you want me to put both of our lives in danger to save some man, is that it?"

Harley nodded, smiling. The Clown Prince chuckled, pulling her into his arms and kissing her affectionately. "I love you, Harley," he said.

"I love you too, puddin'," said Harley, beaming at him.

The Clown Prince stared at her. "You can talk…" he began. "Are you another imposter?"

"True love's kiss, remember?" asked Harley, smiling at him. "And you're my true love, puddin'."

"And that's…really your voice, huh?" asked the Clown Prince, slowly. "Wow…uh…kinda annoying, ain't it?"

"Aw, puddin', you're such a kidder!" sighed Harley, kissing him again. "Now c'mon, Mother, let's go distract that thing," she said, charging toward the shore and dragging Ivy after her.

"I'm coming too!" called Selina, meeting them on the shoreline. "Three sirens are better than one, right?"

"Sure, right," sighed Ivy reluctantly. "Though it's not very siren-like to be trying to save men, or taking orders from men, or…"

"Ivy!" called Two-Face, racing after her. She turned and he took her hand. "Be careful," he said, gazing at her tenderly.

"Don't you give me orders!" snapped Ivy. "I'll be careful because I want to be careful, not because some man tells me to be careful! It's my choice and my decision!" she shouted, disappearing into the water.

"Uh…sure," stammered Two-Face. "Kinda liked her better when she didn't talk, but I guess I still love her," he muttered under his breath.


	13. Chapter 13

"Ok, ladies, since there are three of us, I vote we all hit him and fall back together, so he doesn't know which one of us to focus on," said Ivy. "This should distract and confuse him enough for that clown moron to do whatever insane thing he's going to attempt."

"He's not a moron," snapped Harley. "And how am I supposed to hit the Batman-ta-ray when I can barely swim with these legs?"

"I can fix that," said Ivy, nodding. "Since you came from my magic, I can give you your fin back."

Harley stared at her. "You mean…I didn't have to make that stupid deal with the Batman-ta-ray?" she asked, slowly. "You could have given me legs all along?"

"Well, yes, but I wasn't going to," snapped Ivy. "You needed to be taught a lesson, that humans are bad and dangerous, and you don't teach lessons by giving people what they want!"

"You could have respected my choice!" snapped Harley. "Because it's certainly not going to change now, Mother!"

"Hey, now's not the time for this argument!" snapped Selina. "Giant Batman-ta-ray thing trying to kill everyone, remember?"

"Ok, Harley, hold still," said Ivy. "This might hurt a little bit…"

"What…" began Harley, but Ivy suddenly seized her legs in a death grip, and Harley yelped in pain as that strange electricity flowed through her again, transforming her legs back into her mermaid tail.

"Now let's split, ladies!" shouted Ivy, diving back into the water. Harley and Selina followed her, waiting for her to strike at the Batman-ta-ray.

And strike she did, summoning up seaweed from the ocean and throwing it around his arms, tying him up. The Batman-ta-ray growled in annoyance at the distraction, and easily snapped the weeds.

"You pathetic creature," he rumbled. "Do you really think you can stop me?"

He hissed in annoyance as Selina used another piece of seaweed as a whip, snapping it around his neck. He easily ripped this apart too, turning on her.

"You dare to turn on me?" he demanded. "After all I have promised you?"

"Well, you did kinda promise me that none of my friends would be hurt, and yet here you are," said Selina, shrugging. "Anyway, I'd like to be queen under the sea for sure, but not at the price of destroying the people my friends care about."

"You were plotting to replace me?" demanded Ivy. "Oh, we are having a talk after this! This is not over, Selina!"

"Yes, it is," growled the Batman-ta-ray, and he suddenly flicked his tail up, sending Selina shooting out of the water. She fell back into the sea with a crash.

"Selina!" shouted Harley, swimming over to her, but just then, the Batman-ta-ray curled its tail around Ivy, wrapping it around her waist in a death grip as Ivy struggled against him.

"After a deserved punishment for defying me, I might yet make Selina queen of the sea," he rumbled. "You'll be dead, so someone has to take your job. And it won't be your pathetic little daughter who fell for some ridiculous human. Must be a hereditary weakness, I guess."

"It's not a weakness!" shouted Harley. "Love is never a weakness! It's a source of strength and power and unbelievable courage! I'm facing a monster like you down because of love! The love I have for the human, and the love I have for my mother! You put her down at once!"

"Or what?" demanded the Batman-ta-ray, sneering as he tightened his grip around Ivy. "What power do you think you have?"

"I told you," retorted Harley. "The power of love. Ready, puddin'?"

"I still can't believe that's your voice," commented the Clown Prince, as they all turned to see him aiming a harpoon at the Batman-ta-ray. "It's really not what I pictured in my head at all."

He threw the harpoon just as the Batman-ta-ray caused another wave to rise up in front of him, acting as a shield as it washed the harpoon away. "Pathetic," he growled again, shooting another wave towards the shore.

"Puddin'!" screamed Harley, as the wave seized the Clown Prince and washed him out to sea. She hurried to swim over to him, but the Batman-ta-ray suddenly dropped Ivy, swirling his tail around in the water and creating a gigantic whirlpool that sucked Harley down into it.

"Harley!" shouted Ivy, diving after her.

"Save puddin'!" screeched Harley.

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the roar of this whirlpool!" retorted Ivy, grabbing her and dragging her to safety. "And he's probably dead now anyway!"

"I got him!" snapped Selina, swimming over while supporting the Clown Prince.

"Gee, thanks, Selina," muttered Ivy. "Take him back to the shore and tell Harvey and the others to get behind that wall," she said, pointing. "Even if the Batman-ta-ray floods this part, that should protect them for a little while. Obviously we'll have to handle the monster on our own."

"Not so fast," said the Clown Prince, watching as the Batman-ta-ray sent another wave crashing to shore with a move of his tail. "I got an idea. Get me closer to that thing."

"No, thanks," said Selina. "I'm not sacrificing myself to kill him."

"It'll be fine, trust me," said the Clown Prince.

"I don't," retorted Selina.

"I do," said Harley. "Let's go, puddin'," she said, taking his hand.

"Hey, Bat-jerk!" shouted the Clown Prince, as he and Harley swam closer to him. The Batman-ta-ray turned and saw them, raising his tail to crush them.

"Get ready to swim," muttered the Clown Prince. "I've seen a lotta freaks of nature in my time, but you really take the cake, buddy!" he shouted at the Batman-ta-ray. "It's no wonder you're so angry at everything and everyone that you wanna destroy them! Bet you don't have any friends or relationships looking like that!"

The Batman-ta-ray brought his tail down just as Harley dodged out of the way with the Clown Prince. The Batman-ta-ray growled in annoyance, and followed them further out into the bay in order to destroy them.

"You will regret your insolence, you pathetic human," he growled. "What power do you think you have against me, a creature of legend? I have lived thousands of years, and will live thousands more, while your ridiculous race will be wiped from the earth in a flood of purifying water."

"Yeah, this whole monomania must stem from some kinda desperate loneliness," sighed the Clown Prince. "Sad, but maybe if someone in all those thousands of years had wanted to go out with you, or even be your friend, you might not have ended up as this crazy zealot freak with a messiah complex. But I guess we'll never know, and you can't blame them when you look like that…"

The Batman-ta-ray swiped at them again, just barely missing them. "Puddin', what's the plan?" demanded Harley. "Just keep annoying him?"

"Just keep him following us," retorted the Clown Prince. "And head straight."

"But if I keep heading straight I'll end up…" began Harley, and then she smiled. "Got it," she said, swimming forward as fast as her tail could carry her.

"C'mon, ugly, come and catch me!" shouted the Clown Prince. "How embarrassing to be out-swum by a pathetic human, right? Better not let it happen!"

With a roar, the Batman-ta-ray brought down his tail again, just as the Clown Prince and Harley reached the safety of the rocks surrounding Gotham Bay. The Batman-ta-ray's tail was impaled on the sharp rocks, and he howled in pain as he struggled to extricate himself from the outcropping.

Suddenly, seaweed wrapped around his torso again as both Ivy and Selina strained to pull him down into the rocks. They were joined by Harley and the Clown Prince, who pulled themselves up on the rocks and tugged the Batman-ta-ray down toward the serrated edges…


	14. Chapter 14

"Um…Joker…I do wonder if maybe…the Batman-ta-ray has to die," spoke up Emilia Crane suddenly, breaking in on the story. "Wouldn't it be better for the story if there was a non-violent solution to the problem?"

Joker stared at her. "What kinda terrible writer are you?" he demanded. "People love violence! And not killing your main antagonist is just anti-climactic in a narrative!"

"Actually, I find it rather refreshing, especially in a story for children," said Emilia, looking in concern at her daughters.

Joker rolled his eyes. "You and the Bat, obsessed with not killing for some bizarre reason. It's a perfectly natural act, and part of the rich tapestry that makes up the circle of life."

"Don't you dare compare my wife to Batman!" snapped Crane.

"Hey, you're in enough trouble, pal!" snapped Joker. "Don't escalate it by giving me lip!"

"Well, Batman objects to real violence, and I only object to fictional," replied Emilia. "I just think it shows a lack of imagination. It's so cliché, to kill off your villains. I always like leaving them out there with the threat of a possible return lurking in the shadows. It also makes for an easy sequel. Obviously in real life if it's a real enemy and someone you don't want lurking around, violence is acceptable for your own peace of mind, and you probably should kill them. But personally I like to keep fiction and reality largely separate."

"I guess that's a point," sighed Joker. "All right, I won't kill him. Now I gotta think of a way to work that into the story…"

"Do we have to kill him?" asked Selina.

"Of course we do!" shouted both the Clown Prince and Ivy.

"No, Selina's right," spoke up Harley. "There has to be a way to eliminate the danger without killing him…think, Joker, think…not killing people is not my usual go-to method...aha! Got it! We'll sing to him!"

"Hang on, Daddy," spoke up Arleen. "Can the mermaid's magic voices really affect someone like the Batman-ta-ray, who also has magic powers?"

"Yes," said Joker, firmly. "Yes, they can, princess. Their voices are hypnotic to all men, remember? That includes the Batman-ta-ray."

"I don't think you established that before," pointed out Annabel.

"Yes, it's sloppy writing to have an ability you've not mentioned before suddenly save the day," said Katrina. "It's called a deus ex machina, and it's only used by terrible writers who've backed themselves into a corner and can't figure out a way to get out of their own stupid plot other than introducing something unexpected."

"I'm gonna introduce something unexpected to you, kid, like my fist to your face," snapped Joker.

"Right, we're leaving," said Crane, standing up. "You are not threatening my daughter. We're all leaving right now."

"That's probably for the best," sighed Emilia. "Before a fight breaks out, and I don't mean between the children, just the people acting like them," she said, shooting a glance at her husband.

"Let me show you out," said Harley, with the fish head still on her head.

"Irving, are you coming or staying?" called Emilia into the living room.

"I suppose I'll go," said Irving, handing the controller back to J.J. "I think spending half the day inside is quite enough. Plus video games aren't really my thing."

"You seemed to enjoy that football one," commented J.J.

"No, I didn't enjoy that," said Irving hastily. "Not at all. Why would I be enjoying a game involving sports? That's preposterous."

"Ok, sorry," said J.J., shrugging. He came to join his family as the Crane family left, taking a seat on the sofa. "So where are we up to in the story?"

"You've arrived just in time for the climactic ending," said Joker, as Harley returned.

"Cool. Why is Mom wearing a fish head?" asked J.J.

"Because she wanted to be a mermaid," retorted Joker.

J.J. chuckled. "Good one, Dad," he said.

"Can I take it off now, puddin'?" asked Harley.

"Not until the end of the story," retorted Joker. "Which I will now continue with."

So Mermaid Harley quickly covered up the Clown Prince's ears as the three sirens began singing at the Batman-ta-ray, who gradually stopped struggling against the rocks as he fell under their spell.

"There's a good boy," purred Ivy. "Now listen to me. You are to stop this silly spell at once and return to your normal size. Then you are to swim to the furthest corner of the ocean and never bother me or my queendom ever again. And your deals with all of us are off – you are to apologize to all of us, and you are to release me from your service. The only men I'll be drowning now will be for me, not for you."

"That's the spirit," said the Clown Prince. "Killing people is fine if it's your own choice."

"Don't take that tone with me," snapped Ivy.

"What tone? I was being serious," retorted the Clown Prince.

Without a word, the Batman-ta-ray slowly began to shrink down to his normal size. "I am truly sorry for the damage I caused you, both physically and emotionally," he said. "Selina, I never should have toyed with your heart the way I did. I used your genuine affection for my own selfish ends, and I apologize. Harley, I never should have tried to trick you into giving up your voice. And Ivy, I never should have made that bargain with you. And I did cause that storm that ruined your true love's kiss."

"I knew it!" exclaimed Ivy. "Should have killed you after all, you lying jerk!"

"No harm done in the end though, I don't think," said the Batman-ta-ray, nodding toward the shore where Two-Face stood, looking out to sea at her. "But I'll leave before I can do any more. After all, this world doesn't need some lone psychopath trying to mandate justice. It has enough lunatics running around without me."

He disappeared below the waves, and everyone let out a collective sigh of relief. "Well, I was looking forward to impaling and electrocuting him, like in the movie, but I guess she's right, this does have good sequel potential," conceded the Clown Prince. "Though if you ask me, Mr. Disney, that's a little violent for a kid's movie too."

"What's a movie?" asked Harley.

"Nothing," said the Clown Prince. "Anyway, can I get a lift back to shore?"

They all three returned to the beach, where they were met by Two-Face, the Mad Hatter, and the Scarecrow. "Well, whatever you did, we owe you our thanks," said the Mad Hatter, removing his hat.

"If you wanna thank us, keep our existence a secret," said Ivy. "I don't want humans knowing that we exist. I still don't trust most of them. Just one," she said, looking at Two-Face.

"Ivy, would you consider staying on land with me?" asked Two-Face.

She shook her head slowly. "I have a queendom to run, Harvey. I can't give all that up for some man."

"Oh. Ok," he said, sadly.

She smiled. "But I'll swim up to the surface fairly frequently, and not just to drown men, but to visit one man in particular," she said. "You know, just because we mermaids don't reproduce in the human way doesn't mean we can't engage in the human reproductive act."

"Really? How does that work?" asked the Clown Prince.

"I'm not explaining it to you!" snapped Ivy.

"Yeah, I guess it wouldn't be appropriate in a children's story," conceded the Clown Prince.

"I don't want you taking advantage of Harley in that way," snapped Ivy.

Harley had been curled up on the beach next to the Clown Prince, and now turned to Ivy. "Mother, I want to stay on land with him permanently," she said.

"You can't," snapped Ivy. "It's not possible now that you have your tail again."

"You gave me my tail again – surely you can give me legs again," said Harley.

"No, that's not how it works," retorted Ivy. "I can only do it once. I'm sorry, Harley, but you're going to have to come back under the sea with us."

Tears came to Harley's eyes. "But…I love him," she stammered.

"So you can visit him, like I visit Harvey," snapped Ivy. "Just not as often, and you'll be closely monitored whenever you do. Now come along," she said, trying to tug her back under the water. "Say goodbye."

"Wait," said Harley, breaking away from her. She swam back to the shoreline, where the Clown Prince was kneeling down. She took his hand. "I'm sorry," she said. "Please believe that I'd rather do anything in the world than leave you. Including fighting the Batman-ta-ray again."

"Well…it's like she said, we'll visit," said the Clown Prince, although Harley could see that his usual smile looked a little forced. "And what with you doing princess stuff and me ruling my own kingdom, we'll probably be so busy that we won't even have time to miss each other."

"I think I'll miss you every second," whispered Harley. "I won't be able to stop thinking about you. It's not fair that we have to be apart like this, when the only thing we want in the world is to be together."

"Well, life's not fair," commented the Scarecrow.

"Shut up, buzzkill!" snapped the Clown Prince. "So…I guess this is goodbye," he said, turning back to her.

"I guess so," agreed Harley, tears trailing down her face.

"Daddy, you promised this story would have a happy ending!" cried Arleen. "This doesn't look like it's going to be a very happy ending at all!"

"Just wait, princess," said Joker.

So the Clown Prince took Harley in his arms, and gently pulled her into a kiss. And then something magical happened.

Harley began to feel a strange, warm glow surrounding her, and then there was a blinding flash of light, and when she opened her eyes, her legs had been restored. She gasped, standing up and throwing herself into the Clown Prince's arms. "I got my legs back!" she exclaimed. "I got my legs back!"

"Yeah, everyone can kinda see that, and everything else," said the Clown Prince, hastily taking off his jacket and draping it around her.

"How is that possible?" gasped Ivy, horrified.

"True love's kiss, Ivy," retorted Selina. "It's the most magical thing in the world, and clearly possesses powers we're unfamiliar with."

"Don't even think about it," snapped Ivy, as Two-Face approached her. "I don't want to be stuck with legs forever!"

"Cheer up, Mother," said Harley. "When I learn to swim with these things, I can swim out to the rocks and meet you. I'll watch you and Selina lure sailors to their doom just like old times, how about that?"

"But most importantly, we'll live happily ever after," said the Clown Prince, embracing his mermaid princess. And they did. The End.

Arleen sighed in relief. "Thank goodness. I was worried for a while there that things might not end happily ever after."

"Isn't the magic true love's kiss fixing everything another one of those things Katrina was talking about?" asked Harley. "A duo sex mockingbird?"

"Deus ex machina," corrected J.J. "And it's more just a trite trope than anything else."

"Everyone's a critic," retorted Joker. "You weren't even here for most of the story, J.J."

"It wasn't a criticism, Dad," said J.J., shrugging. "Originality is overrated. Most of the really great stories are just rehashes of tried and tested narratives. The archetypal hero story, for instance, can be found in everything from Shakespeare to Star Wars."

"Well, it's like comedy, like I said," said Joker, nodding. "New material can be great, but every once in a while, people just like to hear their old favorites. And speaking of old favorites, I gotta get to planning my scheme for Batsy," he said, glancing at his watch. "Can't be sitting around telling stories all day – that's not being a very responsible nemesis."

"Thanks for the story, Daddy," said Arleen. "Now I can keep playing mermaid without being sad."

"And I can take the fish head off," said Harley cheerfully, reaching up to remove it.

"No, you can't," snapped Joker. "Leave it on for dinner. And maybe even for bed."

"Why would you want me wearing this in bed?" asked Harley.

"Well, maybe the mermaid thing is a fantasy of mine too," said Joker, smiling at her. "Just not in the usual way we think of mermaids."

"…I'm concerned, puddin'," said Harley, slowly. "That might be creepier than the Batman thing…"

"It's a joke, Harl," said Joker, rolling his eyes. "Mostly I just enjoy demeaning and humiliating you. The shrinks say that's what makes our relationship special," he said, patting her on the fish head.

"True love, all right," sighed J.J. "And speaking of demeaning and humiliating, when is Aunt Ivy visiting again?"

 **The End**


End file.
